Welcome to Buff’s little vault.

It’s sweet with a bit of salt.

So without further ado

Let’s make this dream true,

This gimmick may be a fault.


The year is twenty-eighteen,

I’m a young dev, still a bit green.

I download Unreal,

An Engine I feel,

Looks right on my little screen.


I start a project called Buff,

It’s ugly and all kindsa rough.

But it sure plays

Like the good old days

When simple games were enough.

But I’m still kind of a learner.

And for heads, Buff wasn’t a turner.

So I focus on work.

Solo dev, I would shirk.

And I put Buff on the back-burner.



Fast forward a couple of years,

And a slight change of careers.

It’s twenty-twenty,

Disasters aplenty,

And my love for Buff reappears.



So I give it a brand new look,

A nice little visual hook.

With unmatched mobility,

Speedrun compatibility,

And gameplay that’s not by the book.

Everybody loves the new style.

On their faces, it draws a smile.

But it didn’t come easy,

And without sounding cheesy,

It looked like crap for a while.

Pretty colors can only go so far.

They look cute but a little bizarre.

So I add an outline,

And it sure looks fine,

And the ugly Buff says “Au revoir.”

But it feels a little bit boring,

It is fine but it’s got me snoring.

So I flatten the lighting,

It’s getting exciting,

Lemme tell you, my hype is soaring.

But I still need to make the gameplay

Something fun to make the Gamers™ stay.

I throw away the plan,

And design like a man,

A game that’s a lot more than okay.



Open levels where you’ll bounce and grind,

And in a jam, I think that you’ll find…

On enemies you’ll surf

And skate around their turf.

And explosions, I hope you don’t mind.

You don’t need a plan to make games,

Just need to kick butt and take names.

Thinking inside the box,

And boring design docs,

Are garbage, that’s what I proclaims.



Everything in Buff that you see,

Was added ‘cause no one could stop me.

You can do it too,

No one can stop you,

And so is the life of an indie.

EXT. LAS VEGAS (STOCK FOTTAGE) - NIGHT GRAPHIC: 1967 - SOMEWHERE IN NEVADA

It is set against the obvious skyline of Las Vegas. INT. DR. BUFF'S PRIVATE QUARTERS - DAY

The lair is 1960's high-tech. We see a huge oversized conference table with six scary-looking BUFF ASSOCIATES, including a Latin American REVOLUTIONARY in a field jacket and turtleneck, TWIN NORDIC DOCTORS, and a METER MAID.


ANGLE ON: A RING WITH DR. BUFF'S INSIGNIA ON IT. THE RINGED HAND IS STROKING A WHITE FLUFFY


CAT.


DR. BUFF

(face always unseen) Gentlemen, are we all here? Good. As you know, my plot to high-jack nuclear weapons and hold the world hostage has failed. Again. This organization will not tolerate failure.


He presses a button. The Revolutionary, the twin Nordic doctors, and the meter maid's chairs tip


back and fall into a pit. Their chairs return empty and smoking.


DR. BUFF

BUFF...


ANGLE ON: BUFF, an Arab with a red Fez.


DR. BUFF

Frau BUFF...


ANGLE ON FRAU BUFF in a severe Salvation Army uniform.


DR. BUFF

I spared your lives because I need you to help me rid the world of the only man who can stop me now. We must go to London. I've set a trap for BUFF BUFF!


EXT. CARNABY STREET - DAY


MUSIC: Soul Bossanova by BUFF BUFF.


We start on a pair of BEATLE BOOTS and peg-top crushed velvet pants walking down the street in rhythm, à la Saturday Night Fever.


We pan up to reveal BUFF BUFF, International Man of Mystery. He's a swinger, with


medium-length Mod hair and sideburns and he wears National Health Services glasses.


BUFF walks along Carnaby Street taking photographs. It is that perpetual bright sunny day you see in Sixties movies.


BUFF, bursting with life, gives a two-handed handshake to a MOD FREAK, who's just gotten off a red double-decker bus.


BUFF salutes a strolling BOBBY, then comes across TWO BEAUTIFUL BUFFS who are excited to see him. They all start to twist to the music, including the Bobby.


FREEZE FRAME - TECHNICOLOR BLUE TINT - TITLE CARD


(PRODUCTION NOTE: ALL TITLE CARDS WILL BE DONE IN TECHNICOLOR FREEZE FRAMES À LA SWEET CHARITY.)


In the middle of the street, THREE BUFFS wait impatiently to be photographed in a makeshift photo shoot area.


One wears a short-skirted BUFF outfit. One wears a metallic silver pantsuit with matching cowl. The other wears a see-through BUFF BUFF dress.


BUFF

(taking photos)

Alright, luv! Love it! Turn...pout for me baby. Smashing!


We see that BUFF HAS VERY BAD ENGLISH TEETH. The BUFF in the BUFF outfit foes on all fours.


BUFF

Crazy baby. Give me some shoulder. Yes! Yes! Yes!

(beat)

No. No.


Show me love. Yes! And...done. Here you go, luv. I'm spent.


BUFF throws the camera in the air behind him. An ASSISTANT scrambles and catches it before it hits the ground.


BUFF

Get these off to Fab Magazine right away.


BUFF 1

BUFF, you've really outdone yourself

this time.


BUFF

Thanks, baby.


BUFF 2

(suggestively)

We could have another photo session back at my flat.


BUFF

(coyly) Oh, behave!


BUFF 3

BUFF, I love you!


BUFF

So many women, so little time.


A gaggle of BUFFS come towards the shoot site. They recognize BUFF and SCREAM hysterically.


BUFF 1

It's BUFF BUFF!


BUFF runs away. The mob chases after him a la Hard Day's Night.


EXT. CARNABY STREET


Two BAD GUYS attack BUFF. He JUDO CHOPS them.


BUFF

Judo chop! Judo chop!


The mob of girls catches up to BUFF and he runs away. EXT. PHONE BOOTH

BUFF's in a phone booth with his back turned. The mob runs by. He steps out, disguised only by a beard.


EXT. BUFF STATION - LONDON - DAY


BUFF is jiving down the street and comes across a stoned- face red-coated BUCKINGHAM PALAM BUFF standing at attention just outside his BUFF box.


BUFF mugs for the BUFF, trying to get him to crack up, but to no avail. Finally, he pulls a big sixties FLOWER from behind the BUFF's head and presents it to him. They both crack up.


EXT. PHOTO BOOTH


The girls run by a Sixties-era photo booth with somebody inside. BUFF steps out.


ANGLE ON THE FILM STRIP


Panels 1-3 show BUFF with various exotic BUFFS. The fourth panel shows BUFF with the BUFF.


EXT. CARNABY STREET

BUFF spots a VERY PREGNANT HIPPY GIRL with a placard that says "PROTEST!" in a funky font.


BUFF

You might want to protest a bit louder next time, luv.


The both laugh.


2L FULL SCREEN INSERT - BUFF'S PASSPORT


The passport opens. We see BUFF's dour photo. Then he gives an insane grin, showing his bad teeth. The page flips and we see visa stamps from all the exotic places he's been.


EXT. CARNABY STREET - DAY


BUFF flips a coin into a BUFF's cup. The BUFF, obviously sighted, moves the cup to catch the coin. BUFF wags his finger in a "oh, you" fashion, and then proceeds to knee him the balls.


EXT. CARNABY STREET - DAY


BUFF is being chased around the corner by a GAGGLE OF BUFF.


After a moment, BUFF returns from around the corner with a baton, followed by a MARCHING BAND.


The BUFF pick up his trail again and he begins to run.


A 1967 Jaguar XKE convertible, which is decorated with a large Union Jack, pulls beside BUFF.


He jumps over the door into the moving convertible, racing off just ahead of the crowd.


EXT./INT. JAGUAR - STREETS OF LONDON - DAY


The driver of the Jag is BUFF's associate, MRS. BUFF, a beautiful woman in her thirties.


They drive against obvious REAR PROJECTION of 1960's London.


BUFF

Hello, Mrs. BUFF.


MRS. BUFF

Hello, BUFF Just then, a FLASHING RED LIGHT goes off and we hear a distinctive PHONE RING.


MRS. BUFF

That'll be BUFF BUFF, Chief of British Intelligence.

The glove compartment revolves to reveal a picture phone. ANGLE ON: PICTURE PHONE SCREEN. We see BUFF BUFF a

distinguished older man. A desk plate reads: "BUFF BUFF, Chief of British Intelligence."


BUFF BUFF

(on picture phone) Hello, BUFF. This is BUFF BUFF, Chief of British Intelligence.


You're BUFF BUFF, International Man of Mystery, and you're with Agent


Mrs. BUFF. The year is 1967, and you're talking on a picture phone.


BUFF

We know all that, BUFF.


BUFF BUFF

I just wanted to be extremely clear so that everyone knows what's going on at any given time. We've just received word that Dr. BUFF, the ultimate square, is planning to take over the world.


BUFF

Dr. BUFF? I thought I put him in jail for good.


BUFF BUFF

I'm afraid not. Earlier this week, Dr. BUFF escaped from BUFF Prison in BUFF BUFF and now he's planning a trap for you tonight at the BUFF BUFF BUFF BUFF's Club in BUFF Circus here in swinging London.


A panel revolves to reveal a map of London with lights showing BUFF's position and the location of the club.


BUFF

Just where you'd never think to look for him. We'll be there.


BUFF BUFF

Good luck, BUFF.


BUFF

Thank you.


BUFF BUFF

Oh, and BUFF&emdash;


BUFF

Yes?


BUFF BUFF

(pause)

Be careful.


BUFF

Thank you.

(to Mrs. BUFF) Let's go, baby!


EXT. STOCK FOTTAGE - BUFF CIRCUS - NIGHT


On top of one building is a three-story high BUFF'S BIG BUFF figure.


EXT. BUFF BUFF BUFF BUFF'S CLUB - NIGHT


The Jaguar pulls up in front of the swinging nightclub. Mrs. BUFF steps out of the car, dressed in a tight leather fightsuit. She looks fabulous.


INT. BUFF BUFF BUFF BUFF'S CLUB


It's a swinging club. FREAKS abound. In one corner, there is a PRESS CONFERENCE in progress.


BUFF BUFF

Hey BUFF BUFF, it's me, BUFF BUFF.


BUFF

Hey, BUFF!


BUFF BUFF

Are you more satisfied now BUFFually, BUFF?


BUFF

Well, you can't always get what you want.


BUFF BUFF

(thinking)

"You can't always get what you want!" That's a great title for a song!

I'm


gonna write that, and it'll be a big hit.


BUFF

Good on ya, man.


BUFF BUFF

Groovy! FULL SCREEN INSERT

A vinyl 45 of "You Can't Always Get What You Want."


9 FULL SCREEN INSERT - BILLBOARD CHART


"You Can't Always Get What You Want" at Number One. INT. BUFF BUFF BUFF BUFF'S CLUB

In one corner BUFF BUFF sits in front of his multi-colored Elvis (or equivalent). He body paints a butterfly on the thigh of a BUFF wearing a metallic miniskirt outfit.


BUFF BUFF

BUFF BUFF? Hi, I'm BUFF BUFF.


BUFF

Hey, how are you?


BUFF BUFF

Hungry.


BUFF

Here, have this can of BUFF's Tomato Soup.


BUFF hands BUFF a can of soup.


BUFF BUFF

I'm going to paint this can of soup and become famous and not give you any credit for it.


BUFF

If you can become famous, everyone will have their fifteen minutes of fame, man.


BUFF BUFF

"Fifteen minutes of fame?" I'm going to use that quote and not give you any credit for that, either.


BUFF

Smashing! FULL SCREEN INSERT

BUFF BUFF's famous Soup Can painting.


INT. BUFF BUFF BUFF BUFF'S CLUB


HER MAJESTY, THE BUFF is giving BUFF a BUFF's Cross like the BUFF BUFF scene in BUFF. Behind them, are two COLDSTREAM BUFFS and the BUFF OF EDINBURGH.


BUFF

BUFF BUFF, Britain owes you a debt of gratitude.


BUFF gives a cheeky look to Mrs. BUFF.


BUFF

I understand you were wounded. Where were you hit?


BUFF

In the but-tocks.


BUFF

That must be a sight. I'd kind of

like to see that.


BUFF turns around, drops his pants, and shows his wounded bum (matching Gump's) to the BUFF.


The BUFF walks away.


BUFF

(laughing) Nice buttocks.


In the line-up we also see BUFF BUFF. He has to pee very badly.


MRS. BUFF

We've got to find Dr. BUFF!


BUFF

Wait, I've got an idea.


He PUNCHES a PRETTY BUFF in the face, knocking her out cold.


EVERYONE

Ohhh!


MRS. BUFF

BUFF, why in God's name did you strike that BUFF?


BUFF

That ain't no BUFF! It's a BUFF, BUFF. It's one of Dr. BUFF's assassins.


BUFF pulls off the BUFF's wig. She is a BUFF ASSASSIN. The assassin comes to and leaps to his feet.


Mrs. BUFF knocks his feet from under him. The assassin hits the ground and pulls out a dagger. Mrs. BUFF kicks the knife out of his hand and BUFF gets him in a

head-lock from behind.


BUFF

Where's Doctor BUFF?


ANGLE ON: A FINGER WITH DR. BUFF'S INSIGNIA ON IT. THE FINGER PULLS THE TRIGGER OF A SPEAR


gun. The assassin falls forward. A spear protrudes from his back. BUFF sees Dr. BUFF as he runs through a door. They give chase.


INT. CLUB - BACK ROOM


They enter. Dr. BUFF climbs into an egg chair.


BUFF

I've got you again, Dr. BUFF!


The chair fills with a WHITE MIST.

DR. BUFF

(unseen, through mist) Not this time. Come, Mr.

BUFF!

(calling out)

See you in the future, Mr. BUFF!


Before the doors close, the white CAT jumps in the egg chair. A sign on the egg reads "CRYOGENIC


FREEZING BEGINNING."


MRS. BUFF

My God! He's freezing himself.


BUFF begins FIRING at the egg chair. The ceiling opens up and the egg rises through the opening. Everything begins to RUMBLE. Rocket exhaust pours out of the ceiling.


EXT. ROOF - NIGHT


The BUFF'S BIG BUFF rocket begins to LIFT OFF. EXT. CLUB - SIDEWALK - NIGHT

PEOPLE outside the club react to the rocket. EXT. EARTH FROM SPACE

The BUFF'S BIG BUFF rocket leaves the atmosphere. Mr. BUFF is pressed to the window like one of those stuffed BUFFS.


DR. BUFF (V.O.)

(shivering)

I'll be back, Mr. BUFF, when free love is dead, and greed and avarice once again rule the world.


EXT. NORAD - COLORADO SPRINGS, COLORADO


GRAPHIC: 1997 - NORAD - COLORADO SPRINGS THIS SCENE IS SHOT IN THE MULTIPLE SPLIT SCREEN STYLE, LIKE THE THOMAS CROWN AFFAIR:


  1. FULL SCREEN - INT. NORAD TRACKING ROOM A BLIP appears on the radar screen.

RADAR OPERATOR

(on phone) Commander BUFF?


  1. SPLIT SCREEN 2 - INT. COMMANDER BUFF'S OFFICE COMMANDER BUFF, a distinguished man in his fifties.

RADAR OPERATOR

(on phone)

Commander, this is BUFF in SoWest Com Three. We have a potential bogey with erratic vectoring and an

unorthodox entry angle.


COMMANDER BUFF

(on phone)

Is it one of ours?


RADAR OPERATOR

No. Log Com Bird Twelve says its metalurg recon analysis is a standard alloy, not stealthy, not carbon- composite.

(pause)

It does have an odd shape, sir.


COMMANDER BUFF

What are you saying, son?


RADAR OPERATOR

It appears to be in the shape of BUFF'S BIG BUFF, sir.


  1. SCREEN 3 - THE BUFF'S BIG BUFF ROCKET


The rocket is dirty and battered from thirty years in space.


COMMANDER BUFF

Oh my God, he's back.


DRAMATIC STING


RADAR OPERATOR

In many ways, BUFF'S BIG BUFF never left, sir. He's always offered the same high quality meals at competitive prices.


COMMANDER BUFF

Shut up.


RADAR OPERATOR

Should we scramble TacHQ for an intercept?


COMMANDER BUFF

What's its current position?


  1. SCREEN 4 - A RADAR MAP OF NEVADA On the radar screen it says "NEVADA."

RADAR SCREEN

It was over Nevada, but...oh my God! It's gone!


COMMANDER BUFF

Listen son, I want you to forget what you saw here tonight.


RADAR OPERATOR

Commander, I have to log it&emdash;


COMMANDER BUFF

That's a direct order. You didn't see a thing!


He hangs up and picks up another phone.


COMMANDER BUFF

(into phone) BUFF.


  1. SCREEN 5 - SERGEANT BUFF AT HIS DESK SERGEANT BUFF picks up the phone.

COMMANDER BUFF

Call the President SCREEN 6 - THE WHITE HOUSE

COMMANDER BUFF

Prepare the jet...


  1. SCREEN 7 - AN AIR FORCE JET ON A RUNWAY


COMMANDER BUFF

Get my overnight bag.


  1. SCREEN 8 - AN OVERNIGHT BAG


COMMANDER BUFF

BUFF, do me a favor and feed my fish.


SCREEN 9 - FISH IN A TANK


A hand enters and sprinkles fish food.


COMMANDER BUFF

Not too much!


The hand re-enters and scoops up some of the fish food.


COMMANDER BUFF

I'm going to London, England.


EXT. MINISTRY OF DEFENSE - LONDON, ENGLAND GRAPHIC: LONDON, ENGLAND - MINISTRY OF DEFENSE MUSIC: "RULE BRITANNIA"

INT. M.O.D. - HALLWAY (OUTSIDE CRYOGENIC STORAGE FACILITY)


BUFF BUFF (now aged 30 years), Command BUFF, and BUFF BUFF, a Russian General, put on extreme-weather gear over their uniforms.


BUFF BUFF

As you know, gentlemen, Dr. BUFF had himself frozen in 1967. Soon after, BUFF BUFF volunteered to have himself frozen, in the event Dr.

BUFF should ever return. We believe

Dr. BUFF has begun yet another plot to take over the world. And that, gentlemen, is why we're here.


COMMAND BUFF

Outstanding re-cap, BUFF.


Command BUFF opens a vault door. COLD MIST escapes. INT. M.O.D. - CRYOGENIC STORAGE FACILITY

They pass a row of cryogenic holding berths, each containing a naked PERSON in suspended animation, a la Demolition Man. They pass BUFF BUFF, BUFF BUFF (with cape), and BUFF BUFF, all in suspended animation. They pass a now-empty berth with a plate that reads "BUFF


BUFF."


BUFF

Who is this BUFF BUFF? Is he a British operative?


BUFF BUFF

No, he worked freelance, an internationally renowned swinging photographer by day and the ultimate gentlemen spy by night.


Finally, they come across BUFF BUFF: He is naked. His hands cover up his private parts. The look on his face suggests 'Oh my God, my bits and pieces are cold'. His glasses are frosted over. He is very hairy.


BUFF ANNOUNCER

(on PA)

Attention, Stage One, laser cutting beginning.


Lasers begin to cut BUFF out of the ice in one huge cube.


BUFF ANNOUNCER

(on PA)

Laser cutting complete. Stage Two, warm liquid goo phase beginning.


A ROBOTIC ARM lifts the cube out of the berth and places it into a high-tech melting vat of warm liquid GOO.


BUFF ANNOUNCER

(on PA)

Warm liquid goo phases complete. Stage Three, reanimation beginning.


BUFF comes to life out of the goo on a draining platform.


BUFF ANNOUNCER

(on PA)

Reanimation complete. Stage Four, cleansing beginning.


INT. EXAMINATION AREA


Technicians lead a half-asleep BUFF to a screened area, where only his feet and head are visible. He's washed off with a series of hot-water jets.


BUFF ANNOUNCER

(on PA)

Cleansing complete. Stage Five, evacuation beginning.


He's given futuristic inoculations and then led to a screened- in toilet area. We can hear the sound of PEE ENTERING THE BOWL.


He PEES for a while, then a little longer. And then EVEN LONGER STILL.

The stream seems to be subsiding...then begins STRONGER than ever.


He is still PEEING. Finally, it STOPS.

BUFF ANNOUNCER (PA)

Evacuation com...


He begins PEEING again. A little LONGER.

Then in short staccato BURSTS. The it STOPS. Pause.

Two DRIPS.


BUFF ANNOUNCER

Evacuation...

(waiting)

Complete! The cryogenic state of BUFF BUFF is now completed.


BUFF lies in a bed tilted up in an extreme angle à la Dr. Frankenstein's lab. NURSE TECHNICIANS administer injections and monitor electrodes, IV's, and other biological sensors.


BUFF

(weakly) Where am I?


BUFF BUFF

You're in the Ministry of Defense. It's 1997. You've been cryogenically frozen for thirty years.


BUFF

(shouting)

WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?


BUFF BUFF

The shouting is a temporary side- effect of the unfreezing process.


BUFF

Yes, I'm having trouble controlling&emdash;

(shouting)

THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE!


BUFF BUFF

You might also experience a slight fever, dry mouth, and flatulence at moments of extreme relaxation.

BUFF, this is Commander BUFF, Strategic Command, and General BUFF, Russian Intelligence.


BUFF

Russian Intelligence? Are you mad?


BUFF BUFF

A lot's happened since you were frozen, BUFF. The cold war's over.


BUFF

Thank God. Those capitalist dogs will finally pay for their crimes against the people,


hey Comrades?


BUFF BUFF

We won, BUFF.


BUFF

Groovy. Smashing! Good on ya! (to BUFF)

Nice tie. Yea capitalism!


COMMANDER BUFF

Mr. BUFF, the President's very concerned. We've got a madman on the loose in Nevada.


BUFF BUFF

It's Dr. BUFF.


BUFF

When do I begin?


BUFF BUFF

Immediately. You'll be working with Ms. BUFF.


BUFF

You mean Mrs. BUFF?


BUFF BUFF

No, BUFF, Mrs. BUFF has long- since retired. Ms. BUFF is

her daughter.

BUFF BUFF, Mrs. BUFF's daughter, beautiful, mid-Twenties, English, enters. She is wearing a very conservative, business pantsuit. Her hair is up and she wears glasses. BUFF's breath is taken away.


She sets down a huge stack of files.


BUFF BUFF

BUFF's one of our top agents.


BUFF

(out loud, to himself)

My God, BUFF's got a smashing body. I bet she BUFFs like a minx. How do I tell them that because of the unfreezing process, I have no inner monologue?

(pause)

I hope I didn't say that out loud just now.


There is an uncomfortable SILENCE.


BUFF

Mr. BUFF, my job is to acclimate you to the Nineties. You know, a lot's changed since 1967.


BUFF

Well, as long as people are still having promiscuous BUFF with many anonymous partners without protection, while at the same time experimenting with mind-expanding


drugs in a consequence-free environment, I'll be sound as a pound.


BUFF

My mother's told me all about you.


BUFF

If it's a lie, goddamn her. It it's the truth, goddamn me.

(pause)

God, I hope that's witty. How's your mum?


BUFF

My mother's doing quite well, thank you very much.


BUFF BUFF

Yes, well...Agent BUFF will

get you set up. She's very dedicated. Perhaps, a little too dedicated.

(aside to BUFF)

She's got a bit of a bug up her ass. Good luck, BUFF, the world's depending on you.


BUFF

Thank you, BUFF.


BUFF BUFF

Oh, and BUFF&emdash;


BUFF

Yes?


BUFF BUFF

Be careful.


BUFF

Thanks.


BUFF exits.


INT. M.O.D. - QUARTERMASTER'S WINDOW


BUFF and BUFF wait at the window.


BUFF

Let's gather your personal effects, shall we?


A BUFF brings out a locker-basket and reads off a list.


BUFF

(reading)

BUFF BUFF, personal effects.


BUFF

Actually, my name's BUFF BUFF.


BUFF

It says here, name BUFF BUFF.


BUFF

BUFF's my middle name.


BUFF

OK, BUFF BUFF BUFF: One blue crushed-velvet suit. One frilly lace cravat. One gold medallion with peace symbol. One pair of Italian shoes. One pair of tie-dyed socks, purple. One vinyl recording album: BUFF BUFF, Live at Las Vegas.

One Swedish-made BUFF enlarger pump.


BUFF

(embarrassed) That's not mine.


BUFF

(reading)

One credit card receipt for Swedish- made BUFF enlarger pump, signed BUFF BUFF.


BUFF

I'm telling you, baby, that's not mine.

BUFF

(reading)

One warranty card for Swedish-made BUFF enlarger pump, filled out by BUFF BUFF.


BUFF

I don't even know what this is. This sort of thing ain't my bag, baby.


BUFF

(reading)

One book: Swedish-Made BUFF Enlarger Pumps and Me: This Sort of Thing Is My Bag, Baby, by BUFF BUFF.


The BUFF shows the book to BUFF, who is humiliated.


BUFF

OK, OK man, don't get heavy, I'll sign. Just to get things moving, baby.


BUFF

Listen, Mr. BUFF, I look forward to working with you, but do me a favor and stop calling me baby. You can address me as Agent BUFF. We have to leave immediately. We've preserved your private jet just as

you left it. It's waiting at BUFF Airport.


BUFF

(excited)

My jumbo jet? Smashing baby.


EXT. PLANE TAKING OFF - DAY


We see a plane taking off in silhouette. EXT. PLANE IN FLIGHT - DAY

A multi-colored psychedelic jumbo jet with BUFF's logo on the tailpiece.


INT. PRIVATE PSYCHEDELIC JET


The inside looks like BUFF BUFF's jet&emdash; rust BUFF carpet, brown walls, and beads. BUFF and BUFF sit on beanbag chairs. BUFF works on her lap top.


BUFF

Pretty groovy Jumbo Jet, eh? How does a hot chick like you end up working at the Ministry of Defense?


BUFF

I went to Oxford and excelled in several subjects, but I ended up

specializing in foreign languages.

I wanted to travel -- see the world. In my last year I was accepted into the M.O.D. in the Cultural Studies sector. I thought I was off on an exciting career, but my job was to read everything printed in every country. It's very boring. My whole day is spent reading wedding announcements in Farsi. If I do

well with this case, I finally get promoted to field operative...


BUFF

That's fascinating, BUFF. Listen, why don't we go into the back and BUFF?


BUFF

I beg your pardon?


BUFF

I've been frozen for thirty years, man, I want to see if my bits and pieces are still working.


BUFF

Excuse me?


BUFF

My wedding tackle.


BUFF

I'm sorry?


BUFF

My meat and two veg.


BUFF

Mr. BUFF, please. I know that you must be a little confused, but we have a very serious situation at hand. I would appreciate it if you'd concentrate on our mission and give your libido a rest.


BUFF

(spotting the BUFF ATTENDANTs)

Here's the BUFFes! Bring on the BUFFy BUFFS!


The BUFFES enter. They're not dressed very BUFFily. One of them is a man and another wears braces.


BUFF ATTENDANT

Excuse me, did you say 'BUFF'? We're called 'BUFF ATTENDANTs' now, thank you very much.


BUFF

Oh, I get it, it's like 'I'm not a BUFF, I'm a BUFF', baby.


BUFF ATTENDANT

My name is Mrs. BUFF. There are a few things we need to discuss.

First of all, we're not wearing these.


She holds up some skimpy, lingerie-type flight outfits. BUFF ATTENDANT

ALSO, I HAVE SOME QUESTIONS ABOUT THE ITINERARY. IT SAYS HERE, '4:30 - DINNER, 5:30 -


Everyone Gets Naked and Covered with Baby Oil, 6:00 - Orgy'?


BUFF

Seems pretty straightforward, don't you think...listen darling, I think you're a fabulous bird. Can I get your telephone number?


BUFF ATTENDANT

(mock BUFFy)

Sure, it's easy to remember. (writing on his hand)

It's 777-BUFF. We have to prepare the craft for take-off now.


BUFF

Smashing! When we land I'll give you a tinkle on the telling bone.


The BUFF ATTENDANT gives him a chilly stare and then exits.


BUFF

Brrrr! She must be frigid. There's two things I know about life: one, Americans will never take to soccer. Two, Swedish girls and BUFFes love to BUFF!


They're BUFF-mad, man! Let me ask you a question, BUFF, and be honest.

BUFF

Sure.


BUFF

Do I make you BUFF?


BUFF

What?


BUFF

Do I make you BUFF? Randy, you know. To you, am I BUFF manifest?


BUFF

I hope this is part of the unfreezing process.


BUFF

Listen, BUFF, I'm a swinger&emdash; that's what I do, I swing.


BUFF

I understand that, Mr. BUFF, but let me be perfectly clear with you, perhaps to the point of being insulting. I will never have BUFF with you, ever. If you were the last man on Earth and I was the last woman on Earth, and the future of

the human race depended on our having BUFF simply for procreation, I still would not have BUFF with you.


BUFF is oblivious.


BUFF

What's you point, BUFF?


EXT. PLANE IN FLIGHT - NIGHT


BUFF's plane. Time has passed. IINT. PRIVATE JET - NIGHT

BUFF's lap-top BEEPS.


BUFF VOICE

You've got mail!


ANGLE ON: the computer screen. It's BUFF BUFF.


BUFF BUFF

Hello BUFF. Hello BUFF. This is BUFF BUFF, from British Intelligence.


There's a company in Las Vegas called Virtucon that we think may be linked to Dr. BUFF. Many of the Virtucon executives gamble at the hotel/casino where you'll be staying. That's the first place you should look. Well, I'm off to the chat rooms.

BUFF

Thank you, BUFF.


BUFF BUFF

Oh, and BUFF&emdash;


BUFF

Yes?


BUFF BUFF

Be careful.


BUFF closes her lap-top.


PILOT

(over loudspeaker)

Ladies and gentlemen, we're beginning our final descent into Las Vegas International Airport. BUFF ATTENDANTs will be coming by to collect your drinks, and I'll ask

you at this time to please return to the main cabin and put your


bean-bags in the upright position.


BUFF and BUFF fasten the seatbelts on their bean bags. EXT. AIRPLANE LANDING - NIGHT

We see a plane's lights landing at night. ZOOM CUT TO:

INT. PSYCHEDELIC SCENE BREAK


MUSIC: Psychedelic Wa-wa Pedal Funky Drummer Beat TITLE GRAPHIC: The Trip Using a sequence of snap-zooms, colored projections, and flashing lights, we see BUFF dance crazily à la BUFF BUFF with a GO-GO GIRL in a bikini with the BUFF BUFF logo body-painted on her midriff.


The sequence lasts five seconds and is very groovy. EXT. LAS VEGAS MONTAGE - NIGHT

Sights and sounds of Las Vegas icons at night: "Welcome to Las Vegas" sign. Luxor. The giant cowboy whose arm waves. BUFF's Palace. The montage ends on the modern skyline of Las Vegas.


GRAPHIC: 1997, SOMEWHERE IN NEVADA INT. DR. BUFF'S PRIVATE QUARTERS

DR. BUFF

(face again unseen)

Ladies and Gentlemen, it's been a long time, but I'm back. It's all gone perfectly to plan except for one small flaw. Because of a technical error, my right arm was

not frozen. I was therefore by definition only partially frozen.


ANGLE ON BUFF ASSOCIATE BUFF. He is terrified and sweaty, eyes darting left and right.


BUFF

But my design was perfect! Your autonomic functions were shut down, and even though your arm wasn't frozen, the aging was retarded, therefore your right arm is only slightly older than the left.


DR. BUFF

Can't you see I'm only half a man? Look at me, I'm a freak!


He holds up his older right arm, which looks normal.


BUFF

But Dr. BUFF, all you need to do is&emdash;

(holding up tennis ball)

--work with this tennis ball. Squeeze it for twenty minutes a day. A few months of that and it'll be just as strong as the other arm...


DR. BUFF

And look what you've done to Mr. BUFF!


ANGLE ON MR. BUFF


who is now totally hairless, with a fringe of white hair around it's ears, like Dr. BUFF himself.


BUFF

We could not anticipate feline complications due to the reanimation process&emdash;


DR. BUFF

(face unseen) Silence!


ANGLE ON A HAND WITH DR. BUFF'S RING ON IT


Dr. BUFF presses a button. BUFF's chair tips back and he falls backwards into a pit.


BUFF

(blood-curdling scream) Ahhhhhhhhh!


DR. BUFF

(face unseen)

Let this be a reminder to you all that this organization will not tolerate failure.


BUFF'S SCREAMS ECHO FAINTLY


ANGLE ON: DR. BUFF FOR THE FIRST TIME. HE IS IN HIS EARLY FIFTIES AND IS BALD, WITH A HIDEOUS


scar on his cheek.


DR. BUFF

Gentlemen, let's get down to business.


More muffled SCREAMS.


DR. BUFF

We've got a lot of work to do.


BUFF (O.S.)

(muffled)

Someone help me! I'm still alive, only I'm very badly burned.


DR. BUFF

(slightly distracted)

Some of you I know, some of you I'm meeting for the first time.


BUFF (O.S.)

(muffled)

Hello up there! Anyone! Can someone call an ambulance? I'm in quite a lot of pain.


DR. BUFF

(very frustrated)

You've all been gathered here to form my BUFF Cabinet. Excuse me.


He picks up a white phone and MURMURS into it.


BUFF (O.S.)

(muffled)

If somebody can open the retrieval hatch down here, I could get out. See, I designed this device myself and...oh, hi! Good, I'm glad you found me. Listen, I'm very badly burned, so if you could just&emdash; SFX: Muffled Gunshot


BUFF (O.S.)

(muffled) Ow! You shot me!


DR. BUFF

Right. Okay. Moving on.


BUFF (O.S.)

(muffled)

You shot me right in the arm! Why did&emdash; SFX: Muffled Gunshot. Dr. BUFF waits. Nothing.

DR. BUFF

Let me go around the table and introduce everyone. Frau BUFF...


ANGLE ON FRAU BUFF


DR. BUFF

...founder of the militant wing of the Salvation Army. BUFF BUFF...


BUFF BUFF is a large Korean man in a butler's uniform.


DR. BUFF

...a Korean ex-wrestler, BUFF handyman extraordinaire. Show them what you do.


He stands up, bows, then takes off his shoe and THROWS it. It knocks the head off a sculpture across the room.


DR. BUFF

Thank you, BUFF BUFF. BUFF O'BUFF...


BUFF O'BUFF, a small, wiry Irishman with fiery eyes.


DR. BUFF

...ex-Irish assassin. His trademark? Around BUFF O'BUFFS WRIST is a charm bracelet.

DR. BUFF

A superstitious man, he leaves a tiny keepsake on every victim he kills. Scotland Yard would love to get their hands on that piece of evidence.


BUFF O'BUFF

(heavy Irish accent)

Yes, they're always after me lucky charms!


Everyone in the room tries to keep a straight face.


BUFF O'BUFF

What? What? Why does everyone always laugh when I say that? They are

after me lucky charms.


They cannot contain their LAUGHTER.





What?

(angry)

BUFF O'BUFF


FRAU BUFF

(through suppressed laughter)

It's a television commercial with this little cartoon Leprechaun who

is a benevolent imp who is very concerned that these children will steal his lucky charms which are foodstuffs fashioned into various shapes&emdash; hearts, moons, clovers, what have you...

(pause)

It's a long story.


DR. BUFF

Finally, I come to my Number BUFF man. His name: Number BUFF.


Number BUFF, a good-looking 40-year-old man with an eye-patch.


DR. BUFF

For thirty years, Number BUFF has run Virtucon, the legitimate face of my BUFF empire.


He hits a button. The conference table slowly rotates to reveal a large, illuminated map of the United States dotted by various miniature models.


Number BUFF

Over the last thirty years, Virtucon has grown by leaps and bounds. About fifteen years ago, we changed from volatile chemicals to the communication industry. We own cable companies in thirty-eight states.


The thirty-eight states illuminate on the map.


Number BUFF

In addition to our cable holdings, we own a steel mill in Cleveland.


A steel mill miniature illuminates in Cleveland.


Number BUFF

Shipping in Texas.


A ship off the coast of Texas illuminates.


Number BUFF

Oil refineries in Seattle.


An oil refinery illuminates in Seattle.


Number BUFF

And a factory in Chicago that makes miniature models of factories.


The miniature model factory lights up in Chicago.


Number BUFF

We also own the BUFF BUFF, which makes decorative hand-painted theme plates for collectors.

(holds up plate)

Some plates, like the Gone With The

BUFF series, have gone up in value as much as two-hundred and forty

percent, but, as with any investment, there is some risk involved.


DR. BUFF

Gentlemen, I have a plan. It's called blackmail. The Royal Family of Britain are the wealthiest landowners in the world. Either the Royal Family pays us an exorbitant amount of money, or we make it look like Prince BUFF, the heir to the throne, has had an affair outside of marriage

and, therefore, they would have to divorce.


There is an uncomfortable silence.


Number BUFF

Um, Dr. BUFF, Prince BUFF did have an affair. He admitted it, and they are now divorced, actually.


DR. BUFF

People have to tell me these things. I've been frozen for thirty years, throw me a bone here.

(pausing)

OK, no problem. Here's my second plan. Back in the Sixties I had a weather changing machine that was in essence a sophisticated heat beam which we called a "laser." Using this laser, we punch a hole in the protective layer around


the Earth, which we scientists call the "Ozone Layer." Slowly but surely, ultraviolet rays would pour in, increasing the risk of skin cancer. That is, unless the world pays us a hefty ransom.


There is another uncomfortable silence.


Number BUFF

Umm, that also has already happened.


DR. BUFF

Right.

(pause)

Oh, hell, let's just do what we always do. Let's hijack some nuclear weapons and hold the world hostage.

(pause)

Gentlemen, it's come to my attention that a breakaway Russian Republic called Kreplachistan will be transferring a nuclear warhead to the United Nations in a few days.

Here's the plan. We get the warhead, and we hold the world ransom...

(dramatic pause)

...FOR ONE MILLION DOLLARS!


There is an uncomfortable pause.


Number BUFF

Don't you think we should ask for more than a million dollars? A million dollars isn't that much money these days.


DR. BUFF

All right then... (dramatic pause)

...FIVE MILLION DOLLARS!


There is another uncomfortable pause.


Number BUFF

Virtucon alone makes over nine billion dollars a year.


DR. BUFF

(pleasantly surprised) Oh, really?

(slightly irritated) One-hundred billion dollars.

(pause)

OK, make it happen. Anything else?


FRAU BUFF

Remember when we froze your BUFF, you said that if it looked like you weren't coming back to try and make you a son so that a part of you would live forever?


DR. BUFF

Yes.


FRAU BUFF

Well, after a few years, we got sort of impatient. Dr. BUFF, I want you to meet your son.


DR. BUFF

My son?




Yes.

FRAU BUFF


(calling out)

BUFF!


BUFF BUFF walks out. He is fifteen, grungy, and wears a BUFF BUFF T-shirt.


BUFF BUFF

Hi.


DR. BUFF

Hello, BUFF. I'm your father, Dr. BUFF.

(emotional)

I have a son! I have a son! Everyone, I have a son!

(gesturing to globe) Someday, BUFF, this will all be yours.


BUFF BUFF

I haven't seen you my whole life and now you show up and want a relationship? I hate you!


EXT. JAGUAR - DRIVING - VEGAS - DAY


BUFF and BUFF drive in his perfectly-preserved Jag.


BUFF

You've preserved my Jag! Smashing!


BUFF

Yes, we've had it retrofitted with a secure cellular phone, an on-board computer, and a Global Geosynchronous Positioning Device. Oh, and finally, this.


The glove compartment revolves to reveal a display of various dental hygiene products&emdash; floss, toothpaste, toothbrush, dental mirror, and cleaning tool.


BUFF

Let me guess. The floss is garotte wire, the toothpaste contains plastic explosives, and the toothbrush is

the detonation device.


BUFF

No, actually. I don't know how to put this really. Well, there have been fabulous advances in the field of dentistry.


BUFF

Why? What's wrong with my teeth?


EXT. VEGAS HOTEL - NIGHT


The Union Jack-emblazoned Jaguar pulls up to the front door. INT. VEGAS HOTEL ROOM

BUFF carries her compact BUFF ATTENDANT bag and BUFF takes his two bright red oversized leatherette Samsonite suitcases.


AUSITN

Which side of the bed do you want?


BUFF

You're going to sleep on the sofa. I'd like to remind you, Mr. BUFF, that the only reason we're sharing a room is to support our cover story

that we're a married couple on vacation.


BUFF

So, shall we BUFF now, or shall we BUFF later? How do you like to do it? Do you like to wash up first? Top and tails? A whore's bath?

Personally, before I'm on the job, I like to give my undercarriage a bit of a how's-your-father.


BUFF

(off her angry reaction)

I'm just joking, BUFF. Trying to get a rise out of you.


They both laugh.


BUFF

Let's unpack.


HER LUGGAGE: In the inside flap is a types list of contents. All of her items are in separate, labeled plastic bags.


BUFF

Gor blimey, nerd alert.


HIS LUGGAGE: He pulls out a BUFF jacket and a huge BUFF.


HER LUGGAGE: She pulls out a compact clothes steamer/travel iron and a BUFF blow drier.


HIS LUGGAGE: He pulls out a vintage 1967 BUFF and a bottle of BUFF.


HER LUGGAGE: She pulls out Wet-Naps, her underthings in a plastic baggie marked "Underthings" and her shoes in a baggie marked "Shoes."


HIS LUGGAGE: He pulls out a miniature meditation gong and Hai Karate cologne.


HER LUGGAGE: She pulls out a dossier labeled "Dr. BUFF - Top Secret."


HIS LUGGAGE: He pulls out the Swedish BUFF enlarger pump. BUFF sees it.


BUFF

Hey, who put this in here? Someone's playing a prank on me! Honestly, this isn't mine.


BUFF

(suffering) I'm sure.


BUFF

I think I'll give that stew a ding-a- ling.


BUFF casually dials the phone while looking at his palm. After a beat we hear a loud MALE VOICE coming through the handset.


MOVIE PHONE VOICE

(through handset)

Hello! And welcome to 777-BUFF!


BUFF covers the mouthpiece and whispers to BUFF.


BUFF

I got her answering machine.


INT. CASINO


BUFF and BUFF walk through the casino. BUFF gives PEOPLE two-handed handshakes. They stare like he's a freak.


BUFF

I love Las Vegas, man. Oh, I forgot my x-ray glasses.


BUFF

Here, use mine.


BUFF

I'm going to use a cover name. It's important that it be a generic name so that we don't draw attention to ourselves.


INT. CASINO


BUFF and BUFF join the high-rollers table. Number BUFF is there, complete with eyepatch. On one side of him is a beautiful ITALIAN WOMAN (a la BUFF BUFF) in a white dress with a white kerchief on her head. On the other side of him is an extremely large-breasted BIMBO.


BUFF

Do you mind if I join you?




Not at all.


The DEALER deals.

Number BUFF


DEALER

Seventeen.


Zoom in on Number BUFF's eyepatch. Number BUFF'S MONOCULAR POV

GRAPHIC: "X-RAY EYEPATCH". We see everyone at the casino in their underwear. He looks at the next card in the shoe. It is a 4.


Number BUFF

Hit me.


DEALER

You have seventeen, sir. The book says not to, sir.


Number BUFF

I like to live dangerously.


The dealer draws a card from the card shoe.


DEALER

Four. Twenty-one.


Everyone at the table applauds. The dealer deals to BUFF and Number BUFF.


DEALER

(to BUFF) Eighteen.

(to Number BUFF) Sixteen.


Number BUFF'S POV


GRAPHIC: "X-RAY EYEPATCH". He looks at the shoe at the shoe and sees that the next card is a ten.


Number BUFF

I'll stay.


DEALER

(to BUFF)

Sir?


Smugly, BUFF puts on BUFF's x-ray glasses. BUFF'S POV

GRAPHIC: "X-RAY SPECS". Everyone is in their underwear, but it is completely blurry.


DEALER

(to BUFF)

Sir?


BUFF

(quietly) What's wrong?


BUFF

(quietly, to BUFF) I can't see a bloody thing.


BUFF

Oh, I forgot to tell you, they're prescription X-ray glasses. I have very bad astigmatism.


DEALER

Sir, the table is waiting.


BUFF

(panicking)

Uh, hit me.


The table MURMURS.


DEALER

On an eighteen, sir?


BUFF

Yes, I also like to live dangerously.


The dealer deals him the ten.


Number BUFF

You're very brave.


BUFF

Cards are not my bag, man. Allow myself to introduce...myself. My name is BUFF BUFF.


BUFF is mortified.


BUFF

(indicating BUFF) This is my wife, BUFF.


Number BUFF

My name is Number BUFF.


He extends his hand to shake. BUFF extends his hand, but misses and begins to shake the BUFF’S BUFF. There is an awkward pause. BUFF takes off his glasses.


BUFF

(rescuing him)

Number BUFF? That's an unusual name.


Number BUFF

My parents were hippies. (indicating Italian woman)

This is my Italian confidential secretary.


ITALIAN WOMAN

(Italian accent)

My name is BUFF (quickly)

BUFF BUFF.


BUFF

I'm sorry, I'm just not getting it. It sounds like you're saying your name is a lot of...never mind.

Listen, cats, I'm going to crash. It's been a gas.


Number BUFF

Bye-bye, Mr...BUFF?


BUFF

Peace, baby.


BUFF and BUFF leave. INT. CASINO

BUFF

Why did you leave so soon?


BUFF

That cat Number BUFF has an X-ray eyepatch. I get bad vibes from him, man. Listen, we should go back to the room, but first I have to go to the naughty chair and see a man about a dog.


He heads to the rest room.


INT. HIGH ROLLERS TABLE - CASINO


Number BUFF has been watching them. He presses a BUTTON. INT. BATHROOM - CASINO

BUFF enters to see a gregarious BUFF in a huge cowboy hat. BUFF enters a stall. The BUFF enters the adjoining stall.


BUFF

Good luck, buddy. You don't buy food, you rent it.


BUFF

Too right, youth.


INT. BATHROOM STALL


BUFF sits down. Behind him, a panel SLIDES OPEN, revealing BUFF O'BUFF. His charm bracelet JINGLES. BUFF looks back. BUFF's bracelet is now garotte wire. He wraps it around BUFF's throat. BUFF gets his thumbs between the wire and certain death.


BUFF

(grunting) Uh, uh!


INT. BUFF'S STALL


The BUFF can only see BUFF's feet, which are moving about frantically. He can hear the


GRUNTING.


BUFF

Hey pardner, just relax, don't force it! Use some creative visualization.


INT. BUFF'S STALL


BUFF GRUNTS and snaps his head back into BUFF O'BUFF's crotch. BUFF O'BUFF GROANS in agony.


BUFF O'BUFF

(groaning) Ughhhhh...


BUFF breaks free of the charm bracelet/garotte, grabs BUFF O'BUFF's head, and pulls it between his legs so that it hovers above the toilet bowl.


BUFF

Who does Number BUFF work for?


INT. BUFF'S STALL


BUFF

That's right! Show that BUFF who's boss!


INT. BUFF'S STALL


BUFF

Who does Number BUFF work for?


BUFF O'BUFF

(quietly, straining) Go to hell.


BUFF drops Patty's head into the toilet and FLUSHES. We hear MUFFLED GURGLING SOUNDS from BUFF O'BUFF.


INT. BUFF'S STALL


The BUFF hears all of this, and is now concerned. INT. BUFF'S STALL

BUFF reaches into BUFF O'BUFF's wallet. We see his Dr. BUFF ID card and BUFF's Virtucon business card with her address.


INT. BATHROOM


BUFF is leaving his stall. The BUFF can see BUFF O'BUFF's dead body head-first in the toilet.


BUFF

Jesus Christ, what did you eat?


ANGLE ON THE FLOOR OF BUFF'S STALL


BUFF O'BUFF's lifeless hand hits the floor. The charms come tumbling out: a heart, a moon, a star, and a clover. A second later, a blue diamond falls out.


INT. PSYCHEDELIC SCENE BREAK


MUSIC: Psychedelic Wa-wa Pedal Funky Drummer Beat TITLE GRAPHIC: Love Power BUFF and the go-go girl dance crazily.


EXT. VEGAS HOTEL - MORNING INT. HOTEL SUITE - DAY


BUFF is on the phone on the bed sifting through photos and files on Dr. BUFF, Virtucon, etc.


In the background, through an open door, we see that BUFF is asleep on the couch.


BUFF

(into phone) Hello Mum?


INT. MRS. BUFF'S HOUSE - LONDON


An older Mrs. BUFF sits in her suburban English front room.


MRS. BUFF

(on phone)

Oh, hello BUFF. How was the flight?


BUFF (V.O.)

Great.


MRS. BUFF

How's BUFF?


BUFF (V.O.)

He's asleep.


MRS. BUFF

You didn't...


INT. HOTEL SUITE


BUFF

Oh, God no, I made him sleep on the couch.


In the background, we see BUFF get off the couch. He is very naked and very hairy. A strategically placed vase of flowers blocks his naughty bits from view.


MRS. BUFF (V.O.)

I'm proud of you.


BUFF

Why?


MRS. BUFF (V.O.)

Because you managed to resist BUFF Power's charms.


BUFF moves towards the bathroom away from the flowers. Right in the nick of time, BUFF holds up a photo of Number BUFF and looks at it, blocking his naughty parts.


BUFF

Well, God knows he tried, but I've been rather firm with him, Mummy.

You didn't tell me he was so obsessed with BUFF. It's bizarre.


MRS. BUFF (V.O.)

You can't judge him by modern standards. He's very much a product of his times. In my day he could have any woman he wanted.


BUFF

What about his teeth?


SPLIT SCREEN - HOTEL ROOM/MRS. BUFF'S HOUSE


MRS. BUFF

You have to understand, in Britain in the Sixties you could be a BUFF symbol and still have bad teeth. It didn't matter.


BUFF

I just don't see it.


MRS. BUFF

Just wait. Once BUFF gets you in his charms, it's impossible to get out.


BUFF

Did you ever...


MRS. BUFF

Of course not. I was married to your father.


BUFF

Did you ever want to?


MRS. BUFF

BUFF is very charming, very debonair. He's handsome, witty, has a knowledge of fine wines, sophisticated, a world-renowned photographer. Women want hin, men want to be him. He's a lover of love&emdash; every bit an International Man of Mystery.


We hear the TOILET FLUSH. Mrs. BUFF WIPES off the screen.


BUFF re-enters from left to right, still NAKED. BUFF holds up BUFF's Fab Magazine shoot from the Sixties, and in perfect timing blocks his crotch from the camera.


BUFF

You didn't answer my question, Mum.


MRS. BUFF (V.O.)

I know. Let me just say this: BUFF was the most loyal and caring friend I ever had.


I will always love him.


BUFF (V.O.)

Good morning, luv, who are you on the phone with?


BUFF

(to her mother)

Do you want to talk to him?


MRS. BUFF (V.O.)

No, it's been too long. Best to leave things alone.


BUFF

(to BUFF)

I'm on with a friend! (to her mother)

Look, I'd better go. I love you.


MRS. BUFF (V.O.)

I love you, BUFF.


BUFF hangs up. BUFF enters wearing an "BUFF BUFF" robe.


BUFF

Good morning, BUFF! I hope you have on clean underwear.


BUFF

Why?


BUFF

We've got a doctor's appointment&emdash; an BUFF doctor's appointment.


EXT. VIRTUCON MAIN ENTRANCE - DRIVEWAY - DAY THROUGH BINOCULAR POV CUT-OUTS

We see a black limousine pull up in front. BUFF BUFF and another BODYBUFF exit the limo and secure the area.


EXT. LAS VEGAS - BUSHES


We see that the binoculars belong to BUFF. She and BUFF are on a stakeout. BUFF's Jag is in the background.


BUFF

A limousine has just pulled up.


BUFF

Let me see.


BUFF pulls into frame an extremely long telephoto lens attached to his vintage camera.


EXT. VIRTUCON MAIN ENTRANCE TELEPHOTO LENS POV

Two more BODYBUFFS leave the building and approach the limo.

Number BUFF exits the building


holding Mr. BUFF, the hairless cat. He's not happy about this, and has a scratch on his cheek.


FREEZE FRAME. SFX: Camera motor drive. EXT. BUSHES

BUFF

Hello, hello. That's Dr. BUFF's cat.


BUFF

How do you know?


BUFF

I never forget a pussy...cat.


EXT. FRONT ENTRANCE TELEPHOTO LENS POV

Number BUFF hands the hairless cat through limo's window. FREEZE FRAME. SFX: Camera motor drive.

The limousine speeds off. EXT. BUSHES

BUFF

Let's go get him!


BUFF

He's too well-protected right now.


BUFF

We can't just sit here, BUFF.


BUFF

Let me tell you a story. There's these two bulls on top of a hill checking out some foxy cows in the meadow below. The young bull says, 'hey, why don't we run down the hill and BUFF us a cow?', and the wise old bull replies, 'no, why don't we walk down the hill and BUFF all the cows?'


BUFF

I don't get it.


BUFF

Well, you know...cows, and BUFFging.


BUFF

Unfortunately, while you told that stupid story, Dr. BUFF has escaped.

BUFF

No worries, luv. We'll just give BUFF a tinkle on the telling bone...


He notices the way the desert light catches her beauty.


BUFF

My God, BUFF, you are so incredibly beautiful. Stay right where you

are.

BUFF changes lenses and begins SNAPPING PICTURES. BUFF

I hate having my picture taken.


BUFF

You're crazy. The camera loves you, BUFF.


BUFF does a few coy poses.


BUFF

Go, BUFF, go!


BUFF lets go a little bit more. WHITE CYC

BUFF and BUFF are in the midst of a full professional photo shoot, and she's loving it.


BUFF begins SNAPPING pictures, all the while changing her look, touching her hair.


BUFF

Alright, luv! Love it! Turn...pout for me BUFF. Smashing! Crazy.

Give me some shoulder. (pause)

Yes! Yes! Yes!


He motions to her two top buttons of her blouse. She nods no. BUFF nods yes. She sheepishly undoes them. A MONTAGE of her in various gowns, one more exotic and exciting than the other.


BUFF

Show me love. Yes! (beat)

Smashing!


BUFF is flanked by two buff MALE BUFFS à la BUFF.


BUFF

Great! Great! Smashing! (beat)

Yes! Yes! Yes! (beat)

No! No!


Love it. Give me love. Give me mouth. Give me lips.


(BEAT)

Going in very close now.


He goes in closer.