Buff

Welcome to Buff’s little vault.

It’s sweet with a bit of salt.

So without further ado

Let’s make this dream true,

This gimmick may be a fault.

The year is twenty-eighteen,

I’m a young dev, still a bit green.

I download Unreal,

An Engine I feel,

Looks right on my little screen.

I start a project called Buff,

It’s ugly and all kindsa rough.

But it sure plays

Like the good old days

When simple games were enough.

But I’m still kind of a learner.

And for heads, Buff wasn’t a turner.

So I focus on work.

Solo dev, I would shirk.

And I put Buff on the back-burner.

Fast forward a couple of years,

And a slight change of careers.

It’s twenty-twenty,

Disasters aplenty,

And my love for Buff reappears.

So I give it a brand new look,

A nice little visual hook.

With unmatched mobility,

Speedrun compatibility,

And gameplay that’s not by the book.

Everybody loves the new style.

On their faces, it draws a smile.

But it didn’t come easy,

And without sounding cheesy,

It looked like crap for a while.

Pretty colors can only go so far.

They look cute but a little bizarre.

So I add an outline,

And it sure looks fine,

And the ugly Buff says “Au revoir.”

But it feels a little bit boring,

It is fine but it’s got me snoring.

So I flatten the lighting,

It’s getting exciting,

Lemme tell you, my hype is soaring.

But I still need to make the gameplay

Something fun to make the Gamers™ stay.

I throw away the plan,

And design like a man,

A game that’s a lot more than okay.

Open levels where you’ll bounce and grind,

And in a jam, I think that you’ll find…

On enemies you’ll surf

And skate around their turf.

And explosions, I hope you don’t mind.

You don’t need a plan to make games,

Just need to kick butt and take names.

Thinking inside the box,

And boring design docs,

Are garbage, that’s what I proclaims.

Everything in Buff that you see,

Was added ‘cause no one could stop me.

You can do it too,

No one can stop you,

And so is the life of an indie.

Wishlist BUFF on Steam!

Join the Discord Server!

Follow the development (@idredman) on Twitter!

Follow the development (@buff_corp) on Twitter (But without the memes)!

And here's a video of my cat, Pepper!

EXT. LAS VEGAS (STOCK FOTTAGE) - NIGHT GRAPHIC: 1967 - SOMEWHERE IN NEVADA

It is set against the obvious skyline of Las Vegas. INT. DR. BUFF'S PRIVATE QUARTERS - DAY

The lair is 1960's high-tech. We see a huge oversized conference table with six scary-looking BUFF ASSOCIATES, including a Latin American REVOLUTIONARY in a field jacket and turtleneck, TWIN NORDIC DOCTORS, and a METER MAID.

ANGLE ON: A RING WITH DR. BUFF'S INSIGNIA ON IT. THE RINGED HAND IS STROKING A WHITE FLUFFY

CAT.

DR. BUFF

(face always unseen) Gentlemen, are we all here? Good. As you know, my plot to high-jack nuclear weapons and hold the world hostage has failed. Again. This organization will not tolerate failure.

He presses a button. The Revolutionary, the twin Nordic doctors, and the meter maid's chairs tip

back and fall into a pit. Their chairs return empty and smoking.

DR. BUFF

BUFF...

ANGLE ON: BUFF, an Arab with a red Fez.

DR. BUFF

Frau BUFF...

ANGLE ON FRAU BUFF in a severe Salvation Army uniform.

DR. BUFF

I spared your lives because I need you to help me rid the world of the only man who can stop me now. We must go to London. I've set a trap for BUFF BUFF!

EXT. CARNABY STREET - DAY

MUSIC: Soul Bossanova by BUFF BUFF.

We start on a pair of BEATLE BOOTS and peg-top crushed velvet pants walking down the street in rhythm, à la Saturday Night Fever.

We pan up to reveal BUFF BUFF, International Man of Mystery. He's a swinger, with

medium-length Mod hair and sideburns and he wears National Health Services glasses.

BUFF walks along Carnaby Street taking photographs. It is that perpetual bright sunny day you see in Sixties movies.

BUFF, bursting with life, gives a two-handed handshake to a MOD FREAK, who's just gotten off a red double-decker bus.

BUFF salutes a strolling BOBBY, then comes across TWO BEAUTIFUL BUFFS who are excited to see him. They all start to twist to the music, including the Bobby.

FREEZE FRAME - TECHNICOLOR BLUE TINT - TITLE CARD

(PRODUCTION NOTE: ALL TITLE CARDS WILL BE DONE IN TECHNICOLOR FREEZE FRAMES À LA SWEET CHARITY.)

In the middle of the street, THREE BUFFS wait impatiently to be photographed in a makeshift photo shoot area.

One wears a short-skirted BUFF outfit. One wears a metallic silver pantsuit with matching cowl. The other wears a see-through BUFF BUFF dress.

BUFF

(taking photos)

Alright, luv! Love it! Turn...pout for me baby. Smashing!

We see that BUFF HAS VERY BAD ENGLISH TEETH. The BUFF in the BUFF outfit foes on all fours.

BUFF

Crazy baby. Give me some shoulder. Yes! Yes! Yes!

(beat)

No. No.

Show me love. Yes! And...done. Here you go, luv. I'm spent.

BUFF throws the camera in the air behind him. An ASSISTANT scrambles and catches it before it hits the ground.

BUFF

Get these off to Fab Magazine right away.

BUFF 1

BUFF, you've really outdone yourself

We could have another photo session back at my flat.

So many women, so little time.

A gaggle of BUFFS come towards the shoot site. They recognize BUFF and SCREAM hysterically.

BUFF 1

It's BUFF BUFF!

BUFF runs away. The mob chases after him a la Hard Day's Night.

EXT. CARNABY STREET

Two BAD GUYS attack BUFF. He JUDO CHOPS them.

BUFF

Judo chop! Judo chop!

The mob of girls catches up to BUFF and he runs away. EXT. PHONE BOOTH

BUFF's in a phone booth with his back turned. The mob runs by. He steps out, disguised only by a beard.

EXT. BUFF STATION - LONDON - DAY

BUFF is jiving down the street and comes across a stoned- face red-coated BUCKINGHAM PALAM BUFF standing at attention just outside his BUFF box.

BUFF mugs for the BUFF, trying to get him to crack up, but to no avail. Finally, he pulls a big sixties FLOWER from behind the BUFF's head and presents it to him. They both crack up.

EXT. PHOTO BOOTH

The girls run by a Sixties-era photo booth with somebody inside. BUFF steps out.

ANGLE ON THE FILM STRIP

Panels 1-3 show BUFF with various exotic BUFFS. The fourth panel shows BUFF with the BUFF.

EXT. CARNABY STREET

BUFF spots a VERY PREGNANT HIPPY GIRL with a placard that says "PROTEST!" in a funky font.

BUFF

You might want to protest a bit louder next time, luv.

The both laugh.

2L FULL SCREEN INSERT - BUFF'S PASSPORT

The passport opens. We see BUFF's dour photo. Then he gives an insane grin, showing his bad teeth. The page flips and we see visa stamps from all the exotic places he's been.

EXT. CARNABY STREET - DAY

BUFF flips a coin into a BUFF's cup. The BUFF, obviously sighted, moves the cup to catch the coin. BUFF wags his finger in a "oh, you" fashion, and then proceeds to knee him the balls.

EXT. CARNABY STREET - DAY

BUFF is being chased around the corner by a GAGGLE OF BUFF.

After a moment, BUFF returns from around the corner with a baton, followed by a MARCHING BAND.

The BUFF pick up his trail again and he begins to run.

A 1967 Jaguar XKE convertible, which is decorated with a large Union Jack, pulls beside BUFF.

He jumps over the door into the moving convertible, racing off just ahead of the crowd.

EXT./INT. JAGUAR - STREETS OF LONDON - DAY

The driver of the Jag is BUFF's associate, MRS. BUFF, a beautiful woman in her thirties.

They drive against obvious REAR PROJECTION of 1960's London.

BUFF

Hello, Mrs. BUFF.

MRS. BUFF

Hello, BUFF Just then, a FLASHING RED LIGHT goes off and we hear a distinctive PHONE RING.

MRS. BUFF

That'll be BUFF BUFF, Chief of British Intelligence.

The glove compartment revolves to reveal a picture phone. ANGLE ON: PICTURE PHONE SCREEN. We see BUFF BUFF a

distinguished older man. A desk plate reads: "BUFF BUFF, Chief of British Intelligence."

BUFF BUFF

(on picture phone) Hello, BUFF. This is BUFF BUFF, Chief of British Intelligence.

You're BUFF BUFF, International Man of Mystery, and you're with Agent

Mrs. BUFF. The year is 1967, and you're talking on a picture phone.

BUFF

We know all that, BUFF.

BUFF BUFF

I just wanted to be extremely clear so that everyone knows what's going on at any given time. We've just received word that Dr. BUFF, the ultimate square, is planning to take over the world.

BUFF

Dr. BUFF? I thought I put him in jail for good.

BUFF BUFF

I'm afraid not. Earlier this week, Dr. BUFF escaped from BUFF Prison in BUFF BUFF and now he's planning a trap for you tonight at the BUFF BUFF BUFF BUFF's Club in BUFF Circus here in swinging London.

A panel revolves to reveal a map of London with lights showing BUFF's position and the location of the club.

BUFF

Just where you'd never think to look for him. We'll be there.

(to Mrs. BUFF) Let's go, baby!

EXT. STOCK FOTTAGE - BUFF CIRCUS - NIGHT

On top of one building is a three-story high BUFF'S BIG BUFF figure.

EXT. BUFF BUFF BUFF BUFF'S CLUB - NIGHT

The Jaguar pulls up in front of the swinging nightclub. Mrs. BUFF steps out of the car, dressed in a tight leather fightsuit. She looks fabulous.

INT. BUFF BUFF BUFF BUFF'S CLUB

It's a swinging club. FREAKS abound. In one corner, there is a PRESS CONFERENCE in progress.

BUFF BUFF

Hey BUFF BUFF, it's me, BUFF BUFF.

BUFF

Hey, BUFF!

BUFF BUFF

Are you more satisfied now BUFFually, BUFF?

BUFF

Well, you can't always get what you want.

BUFF BUFF

(thinking)

"You can't always get what you want!" That's a great title for a song!

I'm

gonna write that, and it'll be a big hit.

BUFF

Good on ya, man.

BUFF BUFF

Groovy! FULL SCREEN INSERT

A vinyl 45 of "You Can't Always Get What You Want."

9 FULL SCREEN INSERT - BILLBOARD CHART

"You Can't Always Get What You Want" at Number One. INT. BUFF BUFF BUFF BUFF'S CLUB

In one corner BUFF BUFF sits in front of his multi-colored Elvis (or equivalent). He body paints a butterfly on the thigh of a BUFF wearing a metallic miniskirt outfit.

BUFF BUFF

BUFF BUFF? Hi, I'm BUFF BUFF.

Here, have this can of BUFF's Tomato Soup.

BUFF hands BUFF a can of soup.

BUFF BUFF

I'm going to paint this can of soup and become famous and not give you any credit for it.

BUFF

If you can become famous, everyone will have their fifteen minutes of fame, man.

BUFF BUFF

"Fifteen minutes of fame?" I'm going to use that quote and not give you any credit for that, either.

BUFF

Smashing! FULL SCREEN INSERT

BUFF BUFF's famous Soup Can painting.

INT. BUFF BUFF BUFF BUFF'S CLUB

HER MAJESTY, THE BUFF is giving BUFF a BUFF's Cross like the BUFF BUFF scene in BUFF. Behind them, are two COLDSTREAM BUFFS and the BUFF OF EDINBURGH.

BUFF

BUFF BUFF, Britain owes you a debt of gratitude.

BUFF gives a cheeky look to Mrs. BUFF.

BUFF

I understand you were wounded. Where were you hit?

BUFF

In the but-tocks.

BUFF

That must be a sight. I'd kind of

like to see that.

BUFF turns around, drops his pants, and shows his wounded bum (matching Gump's) to the BUFF.

The BUFF walks away.

BUFF

(laughing) Nice buttocks.

In the line-up we also see BUFF BUFF. He has to pee very badly.

MRS. BUFF

We've got to find Dr. BUFF!

BUFF

Wait, I've got an idea.

He PUNCHES a PRETTY BUFF in the face, knocking her out cold.

EVERYONE

Ohhh!

MRS. BUFF

BUFF, why in God's name did you strike that BUFF?

BUFF

That ain't no BUFF! It's a BUFF, BUFF. It's one of Dr. BUFF's assassins.

BUFF pulls off the BUFF's wig. She is a BUFF ASSASSIN. The assassin comes to and leaps to his feet.

Mrs. BUFF knocks his feet from under him. The assassin hits the ground and pulls out a dagger. Mrs. BUFF kicks the knife out of his hand and BUFF gets him in a

head-lock from behind.

BUFF

Where's Doctor BUFF?

ANGLE ON: A FINGER WITH DR. BUFF'S INSIGNIA ON IT. THE FINGER PULLS THE TRIGGER OF A SPEAR

gun. The assassin falls forward. A spear protrudes from his back. BUFF sees Dr. BUFF as he runs through a door. They give chase.

INT. CLUB - BACK ROOM

They enter. Dr. BUFF climbs into an egg chair.

BUFF

I've got you again, Dr. BUFF!

The chair fills with a WHITE MIST.

DR. BUFF

(unseen, through mist) Not this time. Come, Mr.

BUFF!

(calling out)

See you in the future, Mr. BUFF!

Before the doors close, the white CAT jumps in the egg chair. A sign on the egg reads "CRYOGENIC

FREEZING BEGINNING."

MRS. BUFF

My God! He's freezing himself.

BUFF begins FIRING at the egg chair. The ceiling opens up and the egg rises through the opening. Everything begins to RUMBLE. Rocket exhaust pours out of the ceiling.

EXT. ROOF - NIGHT

The BUFF'S BIG BUFF rocket begins to LIFT OFF. EXT. CLUB - SIDEWALK - NIGHT

PEOPLE outside the club react to the rocket. EXT. EARTH FROM SPACE

The BUFF'S BIG BUFF rocket leaves the atmosphere. Mr. BUFF is pressed to the window like one of those stuffed BUFFS.

DR. BUFF (V.O.)

(shivering)

I'll be back, Mr. BUFF, when free love is dead, and greed and avarice once again rule the world.

EXT. NORAD - COLORADO SPRINGS, COLORADO

GRAPHIC: 1997 - NORAD - COLORADO SPRINGS THIS SCENE IS SHOT IN THE MULTIPLE SPLIT SCREEN STYLE, LIKE THE THOMAS CROWN AFFAIR:

FULL SCREEN - INT. NORAD TRACKING ROOM A BLIP appears on the radar screen.

RADAR OPERATOR

(on phone) Commander BUFF?

SPLIT SCREEN 2 - INT. COMMANDER BUFF'S OFFICE COMMANDER BUFF, a distinguished man in his fifties.

RADAR OPERATOR

(on phone)

Commander, this is BUFF in SoWest Com Three. We have a potential bogey with erratic vectoring and an

unorthodox entry angle.

No. Log Com Bird Twelve says its metalurg recon analysis is a standard alloy, not stealthy, not carbon- composite.

(pause)

It does have an odd shape, sir.

COMMANDER BUFF

What are you saying, son?

RADAR OPERATOR

It appears to be in the shape of BUFF'S BIG BUFF, sir.

SCREEN 3 - THE BUFF'S BIG BUFF ROCKET

The rocket is dirty and battered from thirty years in space.

COMMANDER BUFF

Oh my God, he's back.

DRAMATIC STING

RADAR OPERATOR

In many ways, BUFF'S BIG BUFF never left, sir. He's always offered the same high quality meals at competitive prices.

COMMANDER BUFF

Shut up.

RADAR OPERATOR

Should we scramble TacHQ for an intercept?

COMMANDER BUFF

What's its current position?

SCREEN 4 - A RADAR MAP OF NEVADA On the radar screen it says "NEVADA."

RADAR SCREEN

It was over Nevada, but...oh my God! It's gone!

COMMANDER BUFF

Listen son, I want you to forget what you saw here tonight.

RADAR OPERATOR

Commander, I have to log it&emdash;

COMMANDER BUFF

That's a direct order. You didn't see a thing!

He hangs up and picks up another phone.

COMMANDER BUFF

(into phone) BUFF.

SCREEN 5 - SERGEANT BUFF AT HIS DESK SERGEANT BUFF picks up the phone.

COMMANDER BUFF

Call the President SCREEN 6 - THE WHITE HOUSE

COMMANDER BUFF

Prepare the jet...

SCREEN 7 - AN AIR FORCE JET ON A RUNWAY

COMMANDER BUFF

Get my overnight bag.

SCREEN 8 - AN OVERNIGHT BAG

COMMANDER BUFF

BUFF, do me a favor and feed my fish.

SCREEN 9 - FISH IN A TANK

A hand enters and sprinkles fish food.

COMMANDER BUFF

Not too much!

The hand re-enters and scoops up some of the fish food.

COMMANDER BUFF

I'm going to London, England.

EXT. MINISTRY OF DEFENSE - LONDON, ENGLAND GRAPHIC: LONDON, ENGLAND - MINISTRY OF DEFENSE MUSIC: "RULE BRITANNIA"

INT. M.O.D. - HALLWAY (OUTSIDE CRYOGENIC STORAGE FACILITY)

BUFF BUFF (now aged 30 years), Command BUFF, and BUFF BUFF, a Russian General, put on extreme-weather gear over their uniforms.

BUFF BUFF

As you know, gentlemen, Dr. BUFF had himself frozen in 1967. Soon after, BUFF BUFF volunteered to have himself frozen, in the event Dr.

BUFF should ever return. We believe

Dr. BUFF has begun yet another plot to take over the world. And that, gentlemen, is why we're here.

COMMAND BUFF

Outstanding re-cap, BUFF.

Command BUFF opens a vault door. COLD MIST escapes. INT. M.O.D. - CRYOGENIC STORAGE FACILITY

They pass a row of cryogenic holding berths, each containing a naked PERSON in suspended animation, a la Demolition Man. They pass BUFF BUFF, BUFF BUFF (with cape), and BUFF BUFF, all in suspended animation. They pass a now-empty berth with a plate that reads "BUFF

BUFF."

BUFF

Who is this BUFF BUFF? Is he a British operative?

BUFF BUFF

No, he worked freelance, an internationally renowned swinging photographer by day and the ultimate gentlemen spy by night.

Finally, they come across BUFF BUFF: He is naked. His hands cover up his private parts. The look on his face suggests 'Oh my God, my bits and pieces are cold'. His glasses are frosted over. He is very hairy.

BUFF ANNOUNCER

(on PA)

Attention, Stage One, laser cutting beginning.

Lasers begin to cut BUFF out of the ice in one huge cube.

BUFF ANNOUNCER

(on PA)

Laser cutting complete. Stage Two, warm liquid goo phase beginning.

A ROBOTIC ARM lifts the cube out of the berth and places it into a high-tech melting vat of warm liquid GOO.

BUFF ANNOUNCER

(on PA)

Warm liquid goo phases complete. Stage Three, reanimation beginning.

BUFF comes to life out of the goo on a draining platform.

BUFF ANNOUNCER

(on PA)

Reanimation complete. Stage Four, cleansing beginning.

INT. EXAMINATION AREA

Technicians lead a half-asleep BUFF to a screened area, where only his feet and head are visible. He's washed off with a series of hot-water jets.

BUFF ANNOUNCER

(on PA)

Cleansing complete. Stage Five, evacuation beginning.

He's given futuristic inoculations and then led to a screened- in toilet area. We can hear the sound of PEE ENTERING THE BOWL.

He PEES for a while, then a little longer. And then EVEN LONGER STILL.

The stream seems to be subsiding...then begins STRONGER than ever.

He is still PEEING. Finally, it STOPS.

BUFF ANNOUNCER (PA)

Evacuation com...

He begins PEEING again. A little LONGER.

Then in short staccato BURSTS. The it STOPS. Pause.

Complete! The cryogenic state of BUFF BUFF is now completed.

BUFF lies in a bed tilted up in an extreme angle à la Dr. Frankenstein's lab. NURSE TECHNICIANS administer injections and monitor electrodes, IV's, and other biological sensors.

BUFF

(weakly) Where am I?

BUFF BUFF

You're in the Ministry of Defense. It's 1997. You've been cryogenically frozen for thirty years.

BUFF

(shouting)

WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?

BUFF BUFF

The shouting is a temporary side- effect of the unfreezing process.

BUFF

Yes, I'm having trouble controlling&emdash;

(shouting)

THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE!

BUFF BUFF

You might also experience a slight fever, dry mouth, and flatulence at moments of extreme relaxation.

BUFF, this is Commander BUFF, Strategic Command, and General BUFF, Russian Intelligence.

BUFF

Russian Intelligence? Are you mad?

BUFF BUFF

A lot's happened since you were frozen, BUFF. The cold war's over.

BUFF

Thank God. Those capitalist dogs will finally pay for their crimes against the people,

Groovy. Smashing! Good on ya! (to BUFF)

Nice tie. Yea capitalism!

COMMANDER BUFF

Mr. BUFF, the President's very concerned. We've got a madman on the loose in Nevada.

Immediately. You'll be working with Ms. BUFF.

BUFF

You mean Mrs. BUFF?

BUFF BUFF

No, BUFF, Mrs. BUFF has long- since retired. Ms. BUFF is

her daughter.

BUFF BUFF, Mrs. BUFF's daughter, beautiful, mid-Twenties, English, enters. She is wearing a very conservative, business pantsuit. Her hair is up and she wears glasses. BUFF's breath is taken away.

She sets down a huge stack of files.

BUFF BUFF

BUFF's one of our top agents.

BUFF

(out loud, to himself)

My God, BUFF's got a smashing body. I bet she BUFFs like a minx. How do I tell them that because of the unfreezing process, I have no inner monologue?

(pause)

I hope I didn't say that out loud just now.

There is an uncomfortable SILENCE.

BUFF

Mr. BUFF, my job is to acclimate you to the Nineties. You know, a lot's changed since 1967.

BUFF

Well, as long as people are still having promiscuous BUFF with many anonymous partners without protection, while at the same time experimenting with mind-expanding

drugs in a consequence-free environment, I'll be sound as a pound.

BUFF

My mother's told me all about you.

BUFF

If it's a lie, goddamn her. It it's the truth, goddamn me.

(pause)

God, I hope that's witty. How's your mum?

BUFF

My mother's doing quite well, thank you very much.

BUFF BUFF

Yes, well...Agent BUFF will

get you set up. She's very dedicated. Perhaps, a little too dedicated.

(aside to BUFF)

She's got a bit of a bug up her ass. Good luck, BUFF, the world's depending on you.

INT. M.O.D. - QUARTERMASTER'S WINDOW

BUFF and BUFF wait at the window.

BUFF

Let's gather your personal effects, shall we?

A BUFF brings out a locker-basket and reads off a list.

BUFF

(reading)

BUFF BUFF, personal effects.

BUFF

Actually, my name's BUFF BUFF.

BUFF

It says here, name BUFF BUFF.

BUFF

BUFF's my middle name.

BUFF

OK, BUFF BUFF BUFF: One blue crushed-velvet suit. One frilly lace cravat. One gold medallion with peace symbol. One pair of Italian shoes. One pair of tie-dyed socks, purple. One vinyl recording album: BUFF BUFF, Live at Las Vegas.

One Swedish-made BUFF enlarger pump.

BUFF

(embarrassed) That's not mine.

BUFF

(reading)

One credit card receipt for Swedish- made BUFF enlarger pump, signed BUFF BUFF.

BUFF

I'm telling you, baby, that's not mine.

BUFF

(reading)

One warranty card for Swedish-made BUFF enlarger pump, filled out by BUFF BUFF.

BUFF

I don't even know what this is. This sort of thing ain't my bag, baby.

BUFF

(reading)

One book: Swedish-Made BUFF Enlarger Pumps and Me: This Sort of Thing Is My Bag, Baby, by BUFF BUFF.

The BUFF shows the book to BUFF, who is humiliated.

BUFF

OK, OK man, don't get heavy, I'll sign. Just to get things moving, baby.

BUFF

Listen, Mr. BUFF, I look forward to working with you, but do me a favor and stop calling me baby. You can address me as Agent BUFF. We have to leave immediately. We've preserved your private jet just as

you left it. It's waiting at BUFF Airport.

BUFF

(excited)

My jumbo jet? Smashing baby.

EXT. PLANE TAKING OFF - DAY

We see a plane taking off in silhouette. EXT. PLANE IN FLIGHT - DAY

A multi-colored psychedelic jumbo jet with BUFF's logo on the tailpiece.

INT. PRIVATE PSYCHEDELIC JET

The inside looks like BUFF BUFF's jet&emdash; rust BUFF carpet, brown walls, and beads. BUFF and BUFF sit on beanbag chairs. BUFF works on her lap top.

BUFF

Pretty groovy Jumbo Jet, eh? How does a hot chick like you end up working at the Ministry of Defense?

BUFF

I went to Oxford and excelled in several subjects, but I ended up

specializing in foreign languages.

I wanted to travel -- see the world. In my last year I was accepted into the M.O.D. in the Cultural Studies sector. I thought I was off on an exciting career, but my job was to read everything printed in every country. It's very boring. My whole day is spent reading wedding announcements in Farsi. If I do

well with this case, I finally get promoted to field operative...

BUFF

That's fascinating, BUFF. Listen, why don't we go into the back and BUFF?

BUFF

I beg your pardon?

BUFF

I've been frozen for thirty years, man, I want to see if my bits and pieces are still working.

Mr. BUFF, please. I know that you must be a little confused, but we have a very serious situation at hand. I would appreciate it if you'd concentrate on our mission and give your libido a rest.

BUFF

(spotting the BUFF ATTENDANTs)

Here's the BUFFes! Bring on the BUFFy BUFFS!

The BUFFES enter. They're not dressed very BUFFily. One of them is a man and another wears braces.

BUFF ATTENDANT

Excuse me, did you say 'BUFF'? We're called 'BUFF ATTENDANTs' now, thank you very much.

BUFF

Oh, I get it, it's like 'I'm not a BUFF, I'm a BUFF', baby.

BUFF ATTENDANT

My name is Mrs. BUFF. There are a few things we need to discuss.

First of all, we're not wearing these.

She holds up some skimpy, lingerie-type flight outfits. BUFF ATTENDANT

ALSO, I HAVE SOME QUESTIONS ABOUT THE ITINERARY. IT SAYS HERE, '4:30 - DINNER, 5:30 -

Everyone Gets Naked and Covered with Baby Oil, 6:00 - Orgy'?

BUFF

Seems pretty straightforward, don't you think...listen darling, I think you're a fabulous bird. Can I get your telephone number?

BUFF ATTENDANT

(mock BUFFy)

Sure, it's easy to remember. (writing on his hand)

It's 777-BUFF. We have to prepare the craft for take-off now.

BUFF

Smashing! When we land I'll give you a tinkle on the telling bone.

The BUFF ATTENDANT gives him a chilly stare and then exits.

BUFF

Brrrr! She must be frigid. There's two things I know about life: one, Americans will never take to soccer. Two, Swedish girls and BUFFes love to BUFF!

They're BUFF-mad, man! Let me ask you a question, BUFF, and be honest.

Do I make you BUFF? Randy, you know. To you, am I BUFF manifest?

BUFF

I hope this is part of the unfreezing process.

BUFF

Listen, BUFF, I'm a swinger&emdash; that's what I do, I swing.

BUFF

I understand that, Mr. BUFF, but let me be perfectly clear with you, perhaps to the point of being insulting. I will never have BUFF with you, ever. If you were the last man on Earth and I was the last woman on Earth, and the future of

the human race depended on our having BUFF simply for procreation, I still would not have BUFF with you.

BUFF is oblivious.

BUFF

What's you point, BUFF?

EXT. PLANE IN FLIGHT - NIGHT

BUFF's plane. Time has passed. IINT. PRIVATE JET - NIGHT

BUFF's lap-top BEEPS.

BUFF VOICE

You've got mail!

ANGLE ON: the computer screen. It's BUFF BUFF.

BUFF BUFF

Hello BUFF. Hello BUFF. This is BUFF BUFF, from British Intelligence.

There's a company in Las Vegas called Virtucon that we think may be linked to Dr. BUFF. Many of the Virtucon executives gamble at the hotel/casino where you'll be staying. That's the first place you should look. Well, I'm off to the chat rooms.

BUFF closes her lap-top.

PILOT

(over loudspeaker)

Ladies and gentlemen, we're beginning our final descent into Las Vegas International Airport. BUFF ATTENDANTs will be coming by to collect your drinks, and I'll ask

you at this time to please return to the main cabin and put your

bean-bags in the upright position.

BUFF and BUFF fasten the seatbelts on their bean bags. EXT. AIRPLANE LANDING - NIGHT

We see a plane's lights landing at night. ZOOM CUT TO:

INT. PSYCHEDELIC SCENE BREAK

MUSIC: Psychedelic Wa-wa Pedal Funky Drummer Beat TITLE GRAPHIC: The Trip Using a sequence of snap-zooms, colored projections, and flashing lights, we see BUFF dance crazily à la BUFF BUFF with a GO-GO GIRL in a bikini with the BUFF BUFF logo body-painted on her midriff.

The sequence lasts five seconds and is very groovy. EXT. LAS VEGAS MONTAGE - NIGHT

Sights and sounds of Las Vegas icons at night: "Welcome to Las Vegas" sign. Luxor. The giant cowboy whose arm waves. BUFF's Palace. The montage ends on the modern skyline of Las Vegas.

GRAPHIC: 1997, SOMEWHERE IN NEVADA INT. DR. BUFF'S PRIVATE QUARTERS

DR. BUFF

(face again unseen)

Ladies and Gentlemen, it's been a long time, but I'm back. It's all gone perfectly to plan except for one small flaw. Because of a technical error, my right arm was

not frozen. I was therefore by definition only partially frozen.

ANGLE ON BUFF ASSOCIATE BUFF. He is terrified and sweaty, eyes darting left and right.

BUFF

But my design was perfect! Your autonomic functions were shut down, and even though your arm wasn't frozen, the aging was retarded, therefore your right arm is only slightly older than the left.

DR. BUFF

Can't you see I'm only half a man? Look at me, I'm a freak!

He holds up his older right arm, which looks normal.

BUFF

But Dr. BUFF, all you need to do is&emdash;

(holding up tennis ball)

--work with this tennis ball. Squeeze it for twenty minutes a day. A few months of that and it'll be just as strong as the other arm...

DR. BUFF

And look what you've done to Mr. BUFF!

ANGLE ON MR. BUFF

who is now totally hairless, with a fringe of white hair around it's ears, like Dr. BUFF himself.

BUFF

We could not anticipate feline complications due to the reanimation process&emdash;

DR. BUFF

(face unseen) Silence!

ANGLE ON A HAND WITH DR. BUFF'S RING ON IT

Dr. BUFF presses a button. BUFF's chair tips back and he falls backwards into a pit.

BUFF

(blood-curdling scream) Ahhhhhhhhh!

DR. BUFF

(face unseen)

Let this be a reminder to you all that this organization will not tolerate failure.

BUFF'S SCREAMS ECHO FAINTLY

ANGLE ON: DR. BUFF FOR THE FIRST TIME. HE IS IN HIS EARLY FIFTIES AND IS BALD, WITH A HIDEOUS

scar on his cheek.

DR. BUFF

Gentlemen, let's get down to business.

More muffled SCREAMS.

DR. BUFF

We've got a lot of work to do.

BUFF (O.S.)

(muffled)

Someone help me! I'm still alive, only I'm very badly burned.

DR. BUFF

(slightly distracted)

Some of you I know, some of you I'm meeting for the first time.

BUFF (O.S.)

(muffled)

Hello up there! Anyone! Can someone call an ambulance? I'm in quite a lot of pain.

DR. BUFF

(very frustrated)

You've all been gathered here to form my BUFF Cabinet. Excuse me.

He picks up a white phone and MURMURS into it.

BUFF (O.S.)

(muffled)

If somebody can open the retrieval hatch down here, I could get out. See, I designed this device myself and...oh, hi! Good, I'm glad you found me. Listen, I'm very badly burned, so if you could just&emdash; SFX: Muffled Gunshot

BUFF (O.S.)

(muffled) Ow! You shot me!

DR. BUFF

Right. Okay. Moving on.

BUFF (O.S.)

(muffled)

You shot me right in the arm! Why did&emdash; SFX: Muffled Gunshot. Dr. BUFF waits. Nothing.

DR. BUFF

Let me go around the table and introduce everyone. Frau BUFF...

ANGLE ON FRAU BUFF

DR. BUFF

...founder of the militant wing of the Salvation Army. BUFF BUFF...

BUFF BUFF is a large Korean man in a butler's uniform.

DR. BUFF

...a Korean ex-wrestler, BUFF handyman extraordinaire. Show them what you do.

He stands up, bows, then takes off his shoe and THROWS it. It knocks the head off a sculpture across the room.

DR. BUFF

Thank you, BUFF BUFF. BUFF O'BUFF...

BUFF O'BUFF, a small, wiry Irishman with fiery eyes.

DR. BUFF

...ex-Irish assassin. His trademark? Around BUFF O'BUFFS WRIST is a charm bracelet.

DR. BUFF

A superstitious man, he leaves a tiny keepsake on every victim he kills. Scotland Yard would love to get their hands on that piece of evidence.

BUFF O'BUFF

(heavy Irish accent)

Yes, they're always after me lucky charms!

Everyone in the room tries to keep a straight face.

BUFF O'BUFF

What? What? Why does everyone always laugh when I say that? They are

after me lucky charms.

They cannot contain their LAUGHTER.

(through suppressed laughter)

It's a television commercial with this little cartoon Leprechaun who

is a benevolent imp who is very concerned that these children will steal his lucky charms which are foodstuffs fashioned into various shapes&emdash; hearts, moons, clovers, what have you...

(pause)

It's a long story.

DR. BUFF

Finally, I come to my Number BUFF man. His name: Number BUFF.

Number BUFF, a good-looking 40-year-old man with an eye-patch.

DR. BUFF

For thirty years, Number BUFF has run Virtucon, the legitimate face of my BUFF empire.

He hits a button. The conference table slowly rotates to reveal a large, illuminated map of the United States dotted by various miniature models.

Number BUFF

Over the last thirty years, Virtucon has grown by leaps and bounds. About fifteen years ago, we changed from volatile chemicals to the communication industry. We own cable companies in thirty-eight states.

The thirty-eight states illuminate on the map.

Number BUFF

In addition to our cable holdings, we own a steel mill in Cleveland.

A steel mill miniature illuminates in Cleveland.

Number BUFF

Shipping in Texas.

A ship off the coast of Texas illuminates.

Number BUFF

Oil refineries in Seattle.

An oil refinery illuminates in Seattle.

Number BUFF

And a factory in Chicago that makes miniature models of factories.

The miniature model factory lights up in Chicago.

Number BUFF

We also own the BUFF BUFF, which makes decorative hand-painted theme plates for collectors.

(holds up plate)

Some plates, like the Gone With The

BUFF series, have gone up in value as much as two-hundred and forty

percent, but, as with any investment, there is some risk involved.

DR. BUFF

Gentlemen, I have a plan. It's called blackmail. The Royal Family of Britain are the wealthiest landowners in the world. Either the Royal Family pays us an exorbitant amount of money, or we make it look like Prince BUFF, the heir to the throne, has had an affair outside of marriage

and, therefore, they would have to divorce.

There is an uncomfortable silence.

Number BUFF

Um, Dr. BUFF, Prince BUFF did have an affair. He admitted it, and they are now divorced, actually.

DR. BUFF

People have to tell me these things. I've been frozen for thirty years, throw me a bone here.

(pausing)

OK, no problem. Here's my second plan. Back in the Sixties I had a weather changing machine that was in essence a sophisticated heat beam which we called a "laser." Using this laser, we punch a hole in the protective layer around

the Earth, which we scientists call the "Ozone Layer." Slowly but surely, ultraviolet rays would pour in, increasing the risk of skin cancer. That is, unless the world pays us a hefty ransom.

There is another uncomfortable silence.

Number BUFF

Umm, that also has already happened.

DR. BUFF

Right.

(pause)

Oh, hell, let's just do what we always do. Let's hijack some nuclear weapons and hold the world hostage.

(pause)

Gentlemen, it's come to my attention that a breakaway Russian Republic called Kreplachistan will be transferring a nuclear warhead to the United Nations in a few days.

Here's the plan. We get the warhead, and we hold the world ransom...

(dramatic pause)

...FOR ONE MILLION DOLLARS!

There is an uncomfortable pause.

Number BUFF

Don't you think we should ask for more than a million dollars? A million dollars isn't that much money these days.

DR. BUFF

All right then... (dramatic pause)

...FIVE MILLION DOLLARS!

There is another uncomfortable pause.

Number BUFF

Virtucon alone makes over nine billion dollars a year.

DR. BUFF

(pleasantly surprised) Oh, really?

(slightly irritated) One-hundred billion dollars.

(pause)

OK, make it happen. Anything else?

FRAU BUFF

Remember when we froze your BUFF, you said that if it looked like you weren't coming back to try and make you a son so that a part of you would live forever?

DR. BUFF

Yes.

FRAU BUFF

Well, after a few years, we got sort of impatient. Dr. BUFF, I want you to meet your son.

BUFF BUFF walks out. He is fifteen, grungy, and wears a BUFF BUFF T-shirt.

BUFF BUFF

Hi.

DR. BUFF

Hello, BUFF. I'm your father, Dr. BUFF.

(emotional)

I have a son! I have a son! Everyone, I have a son!

(gesturing to globe) Someday, BUFF, this will all be yours.

BUFF BUFF

I haven't seen you my whole life and now you show up and want a relationship? I hate you!

EXT. JAGUAR - DRIVING - VEGAS - DAY

BUFF and BUFF drive in his perfectly-preserved Jag.

BUFF

You've preserved my Jag! Smashing!

BUFF

Yes, we've had it retrofitted with a secure cellular phone, an on-board computer, and a Global Geosynchronous Positioning Device. Oh, and finally, this.

The glove compartment revolves to reveal a display of various dental hygiene products&emdash; floss, toothpaste, toothbrush, dental mirror, and cleaning tool.

BUFF

Let me guess. The floss is garotte wire, the toothpaste contains plastic explosives, and the toothbrush is

the detonation device.

BUFF

No, actually. I don't know how to put this really. Well, there have been fabulous advances in the field of dentistry.

BUFF

Why? What's wrong with my teeth?

EXT. VEGAS HOTEL - NIGHT

The Union Jack-emblazoned Jaguar pulls up to the front door. INT. VEGAS HOTEL ROOM

BUFF carries her compact BUFF ATTENDANT bag and BUFF takes his two bright red oversized leatherette Samsonite suitcases.

AUSITN

Which side of the bed do you want?

BUFF

You're going to sleep on the sofa. I'd like to remind you, Mr. BUFF, that the only reason we're sharing a room is to support our cover story

that we're a married couple on vacation.

BUFF

So, shall we BUFF now, or shall we BUFF later? How do you like to do it? Do you like to wash up first? Top and tails? A whore's bath?

Personally, before I'm on the job, I like to give my undercarriage a bit of a how's-your-father.

BUFF

(off her angry reaction)

I'm just joking, BUFF. Trying to get a rise out of you.

They both laugh.

BUFF

Let's unpack.

HER LUGGAGE: In the inside flap is a types list of contents. All of her items are in separate, labeled plastic bags.

BUFF

Gor blimey, nerd alert.

HIS LUGGAGE: He pulls out a BUFF jacket and a huge BUFF.

HER LUGGAGE: She pulls out a compact clothes steamer/travel iron and a BUFF blow drier.

HIS LUGGAGE: He pulls out a vintage 1967 BUFF and a bottle of BUFF.

HER LUGGAGE: She pulls out Wet-Naps, her underthings in a plastic baggie marked "Underthings" and her shoes in a baggie marked "Shoes."

HIS LUGGAGE: He pulls out a miniature meditation gong and Hai Karate cologne.

HER LUGGAGE: She pulls out a dossier labeled "Dr. BUFF - Top Secret."

HIS LUGGAGE: He pulls out the Swedish BUFF enlarger pump. BUFF sees it.

BUFF

Hey, who put this in here? Someone's playing a prank on me! Honestly, this isn't mine.

BUFF

(suffering) I'm sure.

BUFF

I think I'll give that stew a ding-a- ling.

BUFF casually dials the phone while looking at his palm. After a beat we hear a loud MALE VOICE coming through the handset.

MOVIE PHONE VOICE

(through handset)

Hello! And welcome to 777-BUFF!

BUFF covers the mouthpiece and whispers to BUFF.

BUFF

I got her answering machine.

INT. CASINO

BUFF and BUFF walk through the casino. BUFF gives PEOPLE two-handed handshakes. They stare like he's a freak.

BUFF

I love Las Vegas, man. Oh, I forgot my x-ray glasses.

BUFF

Here, use mine.

BUFF

I'm going to use a cover name. It's important that it be a generic name so that we don't draw attention to ourselves.

INT. CASINO

BUFF and BUFF join the high-rollers table. Number BUFF is there, complete with eyepatch. On one side of him is a beautiful ITALIAN WOMAN (a la BUFF BUFF) in a white dress with a white kerchief on her head. On the other side of him is an extremely large-breasted BIMBO.

BUFF

Do you mind if I join you?

Zoom in on Number BUFF's eyepatch. Number BUFF'S MONOCULAR POV

GRAPHIC: "X-RAY EYEPATCH". We see everyone at the casino in their underwear. He looks at the next card in the shoe. It is a 4.

Number BUFF

Hit me.

DEALER

You have seventeen, sir. The book says not to, sir.

Number BUFF

I like to live dangerously.

The dealer draws a card from the card shoe.

DEALER

Four. Twenty-one.

Everyone at the table applauds. The dealer deals to BUFF and Number BUFF.

DEALER

(to BUFF) Eighteen.

(to Number BUFF) Sixteen.

Number BUFF'S POV

GRAPHIC: "X-RAY EYEPATCH". He looks at the shoe at the shoe and sees that the next card is a ten.

Smugly, BUFF puts on BUFF's x-ray glasses. BUFF'S POV

GRAPHIC: "X-RAY SPECS". Everyone is in their underwear, but it is completely blurry.

(quietly) What's wrong?

BUFF

(quietly, to BUFF) I can't see a bloody thing.

BUFF

Oh, I forgot to tell you, they're prescription X-ray glasses. I have very bad astigmatism.

DEALER

Sir, the table is waiting.

Yes, I also like to live dangerously.

The dealer deals him the ten.

Number BUFF

You're very brave.

BUFF

Cards are not my bag, man. Allow myself to introduce...myself. My name is BUFF BUFF.

BUFF is mortified.

BUFF

(indicating BUFF) This is my wife, BUFF.

Number BUFF

My name is Number BUFF.

He extends his hand to shake. BUFF extends his hand, but misses and begins to shake the BUFF’S BUFF. There is an awkward pause. BUFF takes off his glasses.

BUFF

(rescuing him)

Number BUFF? That's an unusual name.

Number BUFF

My parents were hippies. (indicating Italian woman)

This is my Italian confidential secretary.

ITALIAN WOMAN

(Italian accent)

My name is BUFF (quickly)

BUFF BUFF.

BUFF

I'm sorry, I'm just not getting it. It sounds like you're saying your name is a lot of...never mind.

Listen, cats, I'm going to crash. It's been a gas.

BUFF and BUFF leave. INT. CASINO

BUFF

Why did you leave so soon?

BUFF

That cat Number BUFF has an X-ray eyepatch. I get bad vibes from him, man. Listen, we should go back to the room, but first I have to go to the naughty chair and see a man about a dog.

He heads to the rest room.

INT. HIGH ROLLERS TABLE - CASINO

Number BUFF has been watching them. He presses a BUTTON. INT. BATHROOM - CASINO

BUFF enters to see a gregarious BUFF in a huge cowboy hat. BUFF enters a stall. The BUFF enters the adjoining stall.

BUFF

Good luck, buddy. You don't buy food, you rent it.

BUFF

Too right, youth.

INT. BATHROOM STALL

BUFF sits down. Behind him, a panel SLIDES OPEN, revealing BUFF O'BUFF. His charm bracelet JINGLES. BUFF looks back. BUFF's bracelet is now garotte wire. He wraps it around BUFF's throat. BUFF gets his thumbs between the wire and certain death.

BUFF

(grunting) Uh, uh!

INT. BUFF'S STALL

The BUFF can only see BUFF's feet, which are moving about frantically. He can hear the

GRUNTING.

BUFF

Hey pardner, just relax, don't force it! Use some creative visualization.

INT. BUFF'S STALL

BUFF GRUNTS and snaps his head back into BUFF O'BUFF's crotch. BUFF O'BUFF GROANS in agony.

BUFF O'BUFF

(groaning) Ughhhhh...

BUFF breaks free of the charm bracelet/garotte, grabs BUFF O'BUFF's head, and pulls it between his legs so that it hovers above the toilet bowl.

BUFF

Who does Number BUFF work for?

INT. BUFF'S STALL

BUFF

That's right! Show that BUFF who's boss!

INT. BUFF'S STALL

BUFF

Who does Number BUFF work for?

BUFF O'BUFF

(quietly, straining) Go to hell.

BUFF drops Patty's head into the toilet and FLUSHES. We hear MUFFLED GURGLING SOUNDS from BUFF O'BUFF.

INT. BUFF'S STALL

The BUFF hears all of this, and is now concerned. INT. BUFF'S STALL

BUFF reaches into BUFF O'BUFF's wallet. We see his Dr. BUFF ID card and BUFF's Virtucon business card with her address.

INT. BATHROOM

BUFF is leaving his stall. The BUFF can see BUFF O'BUFF's dead body head-first in the toilet.

BUFF

Jesus Christ, what did you eat?

ANGLE ON THE FLOOR OF BUFF'S STALL

BUFF O'BUFF's lifeless hand hits the floor. The charms come tumbling out: a heart, a moon, a star, and a clover. A second later, a blue diamond falls out.

INT. PSYCHEDELIC SCENE BREAK

MUSIC: Psychedelic Wa-wa Pedal Funky Drummer Beat TITLE GRAPHIC: Love Power BUFF and the go-go girl dance crazily.

EXT. VEGAS HOTEL - MORNING INT. HOTEL SUITE - DAY

BUFF is on the phone on the bed sifting through photos and files on Dr. BUFF, Virtucon, etc.

In the background, through an open door, we see that BUFF is asleep on the couch.

BUFF

(into phone) Hello Mum?

INT. MRS. BUFF'S HOUSE - LONDON

An older Mrs. BUFF sits in her suburban English front room.

MRS. BUFF

(on phone)

Oh, hello BUFF. How was the flight?

Oh, God no, I made him sleep on the couch.

In the background, we see BUFF get off the couch. He is very naked and very hairy. A strategically placed vase of flowers blocks his naughty bits from view.

Because you managed to resist BUFF Power's charms.

BUFF moves towards the bathroom away from the flowers. Right in the nick of time, BUFF holds up a photo of Number BUFF and looks at it, blocking his naughty parts.

BUFF

Well, God knows he tried, but I've been rather firm with him, Mummy.

You didn't tell me he was so obsessed with BUFF. It's bizarre.

MRS. BUFF (V.O.)

You can't judge him by modern standards. He's very much a product of his times. In my day he could have any woman he wanted.

BUFF

What about his teeth?

SPLIT SCREEN - HOTEL ROOM/MRS. BUFF'S HOUSE

MRS. BUFF

You have to understand, in Britain in the Sixties you could be a BUFF symbol and still have bad teeth. It didn't matter.

BUFF

I just don't see it.

MRS. BUFF

Just wait. Once BUFF gets you in his charms, it's impossible to get out.

BUFF

Did you ever...

MRS. BUFF

Of course not. I was married to your father.

BUFF

Did you ever want to?

MRS. BUFF

BUFF is very charming, very debonair. He's handsome, witty, has a knowledge of fine wines, sophisticated, a world-renowned photographer. Women want hin, men want to be him. He's a lover of love&emdash; every bit an International Man of Mystery.

We hear the TOILET FLUSH. Mrs. BUFF WIPES off the screen.

BUFF re-enters from left to right, still NAKED. BUFF holds up BUFF's Fab Magazine shoot from the Sixties, and in perfect timing blocks his crotch from the camera.

BUFF

You didn't answer my question, Mum.

MRS. BUFF (V.O.)

I know. Let me just say this: BUFF was the most loyal and caring friend I ever had.

I will always love him.

BUFF (V.O.)

Good morning, luv, who are you on the phone with?

BUFF

(to her mother)

Do you want to talk to him?

MRS. BUFF (V.O.)

No, it's been too long. Best to leave things alone.

BUFF

(to BUFF)

I'm on with a friend! (to her mother)

Look, I'd better go. I love you.

MRS. BUFF (V.O.)

I love you, BUFF.

BUFF hangs up. BUFF enters wearing an "BUFF BUFF" robe.

BUFF

Good morning, BUFF! I hope you have on clean underwear.

BUFF

Why?

BUFF

We've got a doctor's appointment&emdash; an BUFF doctor's appointment.

EXT. VIRTUCON MAIN ENTRANCE - DRIVEWAY - DAY THROUGH BINOCULAR POV CUT-OUTS

We see a black limousine pull up in front. BUFF BUFF and another BODYBUFF exit the limo and secure the area.

EXT. LAS VEGAS - BUSHES

We see that the binoculars belong to BUFF. She and BUFF are on a stakeout. BUFF's Jag is in the background.

BUFF

A limousine has just pulled up.

BUFF

Let me see.

BUFF pulls into frame an extremely long telephoto lens attached to his vintage camera.

EXT. VIRTUCON MAIN ENTRANCE TELEPHOTO LENS POV

Two more BODYBUFFS leave the building and approach the limo.

Number BUFF exits the building

holding Mr. BUFF, the hairless cat. He's not happy about this, and has a scratch on his cheek.

FREEZE FRAME. SFX: Camera motor drive. EXT. BUSHES

BUFF

Hello, hello. That's Dr. BUFF's cat.

BUFF

How do you know?

BUFF

I never forget a pussy...cat.

EXT. FRONT ENTRANCE TELEPHOTO LENS POV

Number BUFF hands the hairless cat through limo's window. FREEZE FRAME. SFX: Camera motor drive.

The limousine speeds off. EXT. BUSHES

BUFF

Let's go get him!

BUFF

He's too well-protected right now.

BUFF

We can't just sit here, BUFF.

BUFF

Let me tell you a story. There's these two bulls on top of a hill checking out some foxy cows in the meadow below. The young bull says, 'hey, why don't we run down the hill and BUFF us a cow?', and the wise old bull replies, 'no, why don't we walk down the hill and BUFF all the cows?'

BUFF

I don't get it.

BUFF

Well, you know...cows, and BUFFging.

BUFF

Unfortunately, while you told that stupid story, Dr. BUFF has escaped.

BUFF

No worries, luv. We'll just give BUFF a tinkle on the telling bone...

He notices the way the desert light catches her beauty.

BUFF

My God, BUFF, you are so incredibly beautiful. Stay right where you

are.

BUFF changes lenses and begins SNAPPING PICTURES. BUFF

I hate having my picture taken.

BUFF

You're crazy. The camera loves you, BUFF.

BUFF does a few coy poses.

BUFF

Go, BUFF, go!

BUFF lets go a little bit more. WHITE CYC

BUFF and BUFF are in the midst of a full professional photo shoot, and she's loving it.

BUFF begins SNAPPING pictures, all the while changing her look, touching her hair.

BUFF

Alright, luv! Love it! Turn...pout for me BUFF. Smashing! Crazy.

Give me some shoulder. (pause)

Yes! Yes! Yes!

He motions to her two top buttons of her blouse. She nods no. BUFF nods yes. She sheepishly undoes them. A MONTAGE of her in various gowns, one more exotic and exciting than the other.

BUFF

Show me love. Yes! (beat)

Smashing!

BUFF is flanked by two buff MALE BUFFS à la BUFF.

BUFF

Great! Great! Smashing! (beat)

Yes! Yes! Yes! (beat)

No! No!

Love it. Give me love. Give me mouth. Give me lips.

(BEAT)

Going in very close now.

He goes in closer.

BUFF

Give me eyes.

(closer) Give me cornea.

(closer)

Give me aqueous humour. (closer)

Coming in closer. Give me retina, BUFF.

(closer)

Even closer. Give me optic nerve. (beat)

Love it!

(beat) And...done.

He throws the camera down.

BUFF

I'm spent. What say you we go out on the town?

EXT. LAS VEGAS STREET - BUS - NIGHT

BUFF and BUFF are on the top deck of an open air double- decker English bus having a full-course formal dinner.

They're drinking champagne.

BUFF is cutting sausages into ever-smaller pieces, holding his cutlery very English. He has cut one piece to the point to which it's a speck. H puts it on the fork and offers it to her.

BUFF

Fancy a nibble?

BUFF

I couldn't have another bite.

They laugh. They drink. It's BUFF BOFF, serenading them. They begin to dance.

BUFF gives her roses. BUFF is wooing her. EXT. LAS VEGAS STREET - NIGHT

They walk along the brightly-lit streets, laughing, enjoying each other's company. BUFF gives BUFF a pet rock. She graciously accepts.

64 LAS VEGAS - SUPERIMPOSITION MONTAGE

BUFF and BUFF stroll against a changing series of backgrounds&emdash; neon signs, Vegas icons, dice showgirls, etc.

INT. HOTEL ROOM

Sounds of MOANS and GROANS. We see BUFF's backside sticking out above a piece of furniture, then BUFF's high-heeled

leg straining upwards.

BUFF (O.S.)

Watch out, you're on my hair!

BUFF (O.S.)

Sorry. Move your hand to the left. There you go. Gorgeous.

BUFF (O.S.)

Go! Just go!

We hear a SPINNING SOUND.

BUFF (O.S.)

Left hand, blue.

We now see that BUFF and BUFF are playing TWISTER. She reaches for left hand blue and they fall over, laughing.

BUFF

Wait a tick, I forgot something in the lobby.

(moving behind the couch)

I know what. I'll take the stairs.

Behind the couch, BUFF mimes going down stairs.

BUFF

Maybe I'll take the escalator.

BUFF mimes the smooth descent of an escalator.

BUFF

Why take the escalator when I could take a canoe?

BUFF mimes rowing a canoe behind the couch.

BUFF

I haven't had fun like that since college.

I'm sorry that bug up your ass had to die.

She laughs too much, making a SNORTING sound.

BUFF

Always wanting to have fun, that's you in a nutshell.

BUFF

No, this is me in a nutshell.

BUFF mimes being trapped in a nutshell.

BUFF

Help! I'm in a nutshell! What kind of nut has such a big nutshell? How did I get into this bloody great big nutshell?

BUFF laughs again, SNORTING, tipsy.

BUFF

You're smashed, BUFF.

I'm not. I'm the sensible one. I'm always the designated driver.

They are both on the bed. She looks at him. He looks at her. There is an awkward silence.

She's about to kiss him, then he pulls away.

BUFF

I can't. You're drunk.

BUFF

It's not that I'm drunk, I'm just beginning to see what my Mum was talking about.

(pause)

What was my mother like back in the Sixties? I'm dying to know.

BUFF

(sentimental)

She was very groovy. She was so in love with your Dad. If there was one

other cat in this world that could have loved your Mum and treated her as well as you Dad did, it was me. But, unfortunately for yours truly, that train has sailed.

BUFF hears SNORING. He looks over and sees BUFF asleep. A distinctive PHONE RINGS and a

RED LIGHT FLASHES.

BUFF opens one of his funky suitcases to reveal a PICTURE PHONE. It's BUFF BUFF, on an airplane.

BUFF BUFF

(on the picture phone) Hello, BUFF, this is BUFF

BUFF from British Intelligence. Thank you for confirming the link between Dr. BUFF and Virtucon. Find out what part Virtucon plays in something called Project Vulcan.

I'll need you and BUFF to get on that immediately.

BUFF

Right away, BUFF.

BUFF BUFF

Where is BUFF, by the way?

BUFF looks over at BUFF's sleeping figure.

BUFF

She's working on another lead right now.

BUFF BUFF

Then you'll have to go it alone. Good luck.

Let me remind you that because of the unfreezing process you might experience flatulence at moments of extreme relaxation.

BUFF

Oh, yes. Thank you.

BUFF BUFF

There's one more thing, BUFF.

BUFF looks at BUFF's Virtucon business card. INT. BUFF'S JAPANESE STYLE PENTHOUSE

BUFF is in a dark penthouse suite. BUFF passes a piece of art that is very suggestive of the female anatomy.

BUFF

Paging Dr. BUFF.

He goes over to a credenza where there is a briefcase. He opens it.

FULL SCREEN - DOCUMENT

BUFF's photographing the dossier with his miniature camera/pendant.

BUFF

(photographing)

Give it to me baby. Super.

We now see that the document outlines all of Virtucon's holdings in a flow-chart fashion.

BUFF

Pout for me, luv. Smashing. Yes! Yes! Yes! No! No!

One side of the chart is labeled "Secret Projects." Under that we see "Human Organ Trafficking", "Carrot Top Movie", and in CLOSE-UP&emdash; "Project Vulcan."

We see schematics for some sort of subterranean probe and a cross-section of the earth labeled "Crust, Mantel, Core."

BUFF

And I'm spent.

The front door opens. It's BUFF.

BUFF

You seem surprised to see me.

BUFF

I thought you'd quit while you were ahead.

BUFF

What, and watch all my earnings go... (smug)

Down the toilet?

BUFF

What do you want, Mr...BUFF, was it?

BUFF

Call me BUFF, Miss BUFF. May I call you BUFF...

Your boss, Number BUFF, I understand that cat's involved in big underground drills.

BUFF

Virtucon's main interest is in cable television, but they do have a subterranean construction division, yes. How did you know?

BUFF

(smug)

I didn't, baby, you just told me.

BUFF

It's for the mining industry, Mr. BUFF. We can talk about business later. But first, let me slip into something more comfortable.

BUFF

Behave!

MUSIC: "The Look of Love" by BUFF BUFF AND BUFF 66

BUFF goes behind a Japanese screen. In silhouette she takes off her clothes and puts on a robe. She opens a pair of sliding doors to reveal an elaborate Japanese bath grotto.

INT. JAPANESE BATH

She slips off her robe, revealing a DR. BUFF LOGO TATTOO on her shoulder, and enters the water.

BUFF

Come in.

BUFF

I'd rather talk about Number BUFF.

BUFF

Don't you like girls, Mr. BUFF? Come in, and I'll show you everything you need to know.

BUFF takes off his clothes. He is extremely hairy. He goes in. BUFF produces a soapy sponge and swims over.

She washes his back. Behind his back, she pulls out his wallet and looks through it. ANGLE ON HIS IDENTIFICATION. It reads "BUFF BUFF, INTERNATIONAL MAN OF MYSTERY."

ANGLE ON HIS VARIOUS CARDS: CHARGEX, BUFF CLUB, ETC. SHE PUTS HIS WALLET BACK IN HIS

trousers.

BUFF

In Japan, men come first and women come second.

BUFF

Or sometimes not at all.

BUFF pours them saki. BUFF unscrews the diamond in her ring. A sign on the inside of her ring reads "Relaxation Pills." She drops two PILLS into his drink.

BUFF takes a sip. His eyes glaze over. He's instantly woozy.

BUFF

How do you feel, Mr. BUFF?

BUFF

Mmmm...I feel extreme relaxation.

A big BUBBLE comes to the surface, right in front of BUFF.

BUFF

(reciting poem)

'Pardon me for being rude, It was not me, it was my food.

It just popped up to say hello, and now it's gone back down below.'

BUFF

That's very clever. Do you know any other poems?

BUFF

(reciting in a lofty tone)

'Milk, milk, lemonade. Round the corner fudge is made.

Stick your finger in the hole, And out comes a tootsie roll!'

BUFF

(genuinely moved)

Thank you, that's beautiful. To your health.

They go to kiss. She notices HIS TERRIBLE TEETH, CLOSE-UP.

BUFF

Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?

BUFF

Is it about my teeth?

BUFF

Yes.

BUFF

Damn. What exactly do you do at Virtucon?

BUFF

I'll tell you all in due time, after we make love. But first, tell me another poem.

BUFF

I think it was Wordsworth who penned this little gem: 'Press the button, pull the chain, out comes a chocolate choo-choo train.'

BUFF

Oh, you're very clever. Let's make love, you silly, hairy little man.

She glides over to him.

INT. PSYCHEDELIC SCENE BREAK

MUSIC: Psychedelic Wa-wa Pedal Funky Drummer Beat GRAPHIC: The Party BUFF and the go-go girl dance crazily.

INT. DR. BUFF'S PRIVATE QUARTERS - DAY

Dr. BUFF, Number BUFF, and Frau BUFF sit at the large conference table.

DR. BUFF

BUFF BUFF is getting too close. He must be neutralized. Any suggestions?

FRAU BUFF

Ya wohl&emdash; I mean, yes wohl, Herr Doctor. I have created the ultimate weapon to defeat BUFF BUFF. Bring on the BUFFBOTs!

MUSIC: BUFFy BUFF BUFF-type theme THREE BUFFBOTS enter. They are beautiful buxom multiracial girl/robots in Sixties clothes and white go-go boots.

DR. BUFF

Breathtaking, Frau. These automated strumpets are the perfect bait for the degenerate BUFF.

FRAU BUFF

These are the latest word in android replicant technology. Lethal, efficient, brutal. And no man can resist their charms. Send in the soldiers!

SEVEN SOLDIERS come in. They are immediately attracted to the BUFFBOTS. They throw down their guns and come to the girls zombie-like.

When they get within range, guns POP out of the BUFFBOTs' bras and begin FIRING, killing the BUFFs.

DR. BUFF

Quite impressive.

FRAU BUFF

Thank you, Herr Doctor.

DR. BUFF

I like to see girls of that caliber. By caliber, I mean both the barrel size of their guns and the high quality of their character...Forget it.

SFX: 60'S ELECTRONIC BUZZER

Number BUFF

That would be the video feed from Kreplachistan.

Dr. BUFF and Number BUFF watch a large screen. We see stock footage of a Russian warhead. We cut into a close-up of RUSSIAN SOLDIERS being taken prisoner by VIRTUCON SOLDIERS in the front of a

military vehicle.

DR. BUFF

Gentlemen, Phase One is complete.

The warhead is ours. Let Phase Two begin! Patch us through to the United Nations security secret meeting room.

INT. UN SECRET MEETING ROOM

REPRESENTATIVES of various countries in their traditional garb around a large UN-style meeting table. The BRITISH are dressed in bowler hats. The AMERICANS all look like BUFF.

The CANADIANS are dressed as BUFF. The ARABS are dressed in BUFF robes, etc.

DR. BUFF

Gentlemen, my name is Dr. BUFF.

They all look up at the SCREEN.

DR. BUFF

In a little while, you'll find out

that the Kreplachistani warhead has gone missing. Well, it's in safe hands. If you want it back, you'll have to pay me...ONE MILLION DOLLARS!

The UN representatives are confused. Number BUFF COUGHS.

DR. BUFF

(frustrated)

Sorry. ONE-HUNDRED BILLION DOLLARS!

The representatives ARGUE amongst themselves.

BUFF SECRETATY

Gentlemen, silence! (to Dr. BUFF)

NOW, MR. BUFF&EMDASH;

DR. BUFF

(angry)

Doctor BUFF! I didn't spend six years in BUFF medical school to be called 'mister'.

BUFF SECRETARY

Excuse me. Dr. BUFF, it is the policy of the United Nations not to negotiate with terrorists.

DR. BUFF

Fine, have it your way. Gentlemen, you have five days to come up with one

hundred billion dollars. If you fail to do so, we'll set off the warhead and destroy the world.

BUFF SECRETARY

You can't destroy the world with a single warhead.

DR. BUFF

Really? So long.

The screen goes BLANK.

DR. BUFF

(to BUFF associates)

Gentlemen, in exactly five days from now, we will be one-hundred billion dollars richer.

(laughing) Ha-ha-ha-ha.

(slightly louder) Ha-ha-ha-ha.

BUFF ASSOCIATES

(laughing with him) Ha-ha-ha-ha.

DR. BUFF & ASSOCIATES

(LOUDER AND MORE STACCATO) HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

(louder again, and even more BUFF and maniacal) HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!

(PAUSE)

Ohhhh, ahhhhhh... (pause, quieter)

Ohhh, hmmmm.

(pause, very quiet)

hmn.

There is an uncomfortable pause, because clearly we should have FADED TO BLACK. The BUFF associates look around the room, not knowing what to do with themselves.

DR. BUFF

Okay...Well...I think I'm going to watch some TV.

BUFF ASSOCIATES

Okay. Sure.

They exit the frame awkwardly. INT. BRITISH MAKESHIFT HQ

BUFF and BUFF enter past two BRITISH MILITARY POLICEMAN. There is a communications center, a makeshift armory, bunks, etc.

We see BUFF, dressed as the Vegas-era BUFF.

BUFF

Hello, BUFF.

BUFF BUFF

BUFF, BUFF, let me bring you up to speed. Dr. BUFF has high-jacked a nuclear warhead from Kreplachistan and is holding the world ransom for one-hundred billion dollars. If the world doesn't pay up in four days,

he's threatening to destroy the world.

BUFF

Thank you, BUFF. Only two things, scare me, and one is nuclear war.

What's the other thing you're scared

Nomads, you know. They smell like cabbage.

BUFF BUFF

(suffering him)

Indeed...If we could get back to the business at hand. It's one thing to have a warhead, it's quite another thing to have the missiles to launch it.

BUFF

Maybe these photographs are the last piece of that puzzle.

(hands him the photos)

I've uncovered the details on Project Vulcan. It's a new subterranean warhead delivery system.

BUFF BUFF

Good God, and underground missile. We've long feared such a development.

BUFF

When did you find that out, BUFF?

BUFF BUFF

BUFF did some reconnaissance work at BUFF BUFF's penthouse last night.

BUFF

Oh.

BUFF BUFF

Our next move is to infiltrate Virtucon. Any ideas?

BUFF

Yes, Virtucon runs a tour of their facilities every hour. I suggest we pose as tourists and do site-level reconnaissance.

BUFF BUFF

Top drawer, BUFF. Oh, BUFF, I want you to meet somebody.

BUFF waves to an extremely frail ELDERLY BRITISH LADY.

BUFF BUFF

BUFF, this is my mother, Mrs. BUFF. She's in from Tunbridge Wells

in Kent. Can you believe, she's ninety-two years old? BUFF hauls off and PUNCHES the lady in the face.

BUFF BUFF

My God, BUFF, what have you done?

BUFF

That's not your mother, that's a BUFF!

BUFF begins tugging on her hair.

MRS. BUFF

Owww...my hair!

BUFF BUFF

Get away from my mother!

BUFF

BUFF, have you gone mad?

The two BUFFs come over and help Mrs. BUFF to a cot.

MRS. BUFF

(through pain)

Who is that man? Why did he hit me?

BUFF BUFF

Don't worry, mother. Lie down. BUFF, you have a lot of explaining to do.

BUFF

I'm sorry, BUFF, I thought she was a BUFF.

BUFF BUFF

Damn it, man! You're talking about my mother!

BUFF

You must admit, she is rather BUFFish. No offense, but if that's a woman,

it looks like she's been beaten with an BUFF stick.

BUFF

Really, BUFF!

BUFF

Look at her hands, baby! Those are carpenter's hands.

BUFF BUFF

All right, BUFF, I think you should go.

BUFF

I think if everyone were honest, they'd confess that the lady looks exactly like a BUFF.

BUFF escorts his mother out.

BUFF

BUFF, may I have a word with you?

BUFF

Of course, luv.

BUFF

Listen, I know I'm just being neurotic, but I can't shake this suspicious

feeling about that Italian secretary, Ms. BUFF. I mean, I don't want to sound paranoid, but I've had some bad relationships in the past, and I have some jealousy issues. You went to her penthouse. It makes me feel so small to give into these insecurities, but I can't help but feel this weird, irrational, unfocused...well, jealousy. I'm sorry.

BUFF

Don't be sorry. You're right to be suspicious. I BUFFged her. I BUFFged her rotten.

BUFF

(stunned)

I can't believe you made love to her just like that. Did you use protection?

BUFF

Of course, I had my nine-millimeter automatic.

BUFF

No, did you use a condom?

BUFF

Only sailors use condoms, man.

BUFF

Not in the Nineties.

BUFF

Well they should, filthy beggars, they go from port to port. BUFF meant nothing to me.

BUFF

(pause)

Well, it means something to me. If you want us to have a relationship, you've got to be a ONE-BUFF BUFF.

BUFF

It was just a BUFF, BUFF. You're everything to me.

BUFF

You just don't get it, do you, BUFF? Good night. Welcome to the Nineties, you're going to be very lonely.

INT. HOTEL ROOM - NIGHT

MUSIC: "What the World Needs Now" by BUFF BUFF BUFF looks at his address book. ANGLE ON THE PAGE: We see a list of names crossed out, with

comments written in beside them. Beside BUFF we see "Deceased, BUFF"; BUFF BUFF, "Deceased, BUFF"; BUFF, "Deceased, Ham Sandwich"; BUFF. "Deceased, Gratefully"; BUFF BUFF, "Square".

BUFF looks at his old pair of Sixties-era canvas sneakers. He picks up his new pair&emdash; REEBOK SHAQ CROSS-TRAINER PUMPS. He pumps them too much and they explode.

BUFF looks out his window at the lonely city below. We see the CDs he's just purchased, including SERGEANT BUFF'S and BUFF BUFF'S GREATEST HITS.

BUFF goes over to the kitchenette and puts a can of unopened Campbell's Tomato Soup in the microwave and turns it on. It explodes in a shower of sparks and soup.

He puts the CD on a record player and drops the needle. The NOISE is awful.

BUFF plays MORTAL COMBAT III. His fighter gets his head ripped off, and blood spews out.

BUFF is genuinely frightened by this. INT. BATHROOM

BUFF attempts to use the Water Pik, but the head is too loose and water shoots all around the bathroom.

EXT. CAR - STREETS OF LAS VEGAS - NIGHT

BUFF drives alone and sad against the rear-projection of Las Vegas.

INT. CASINO BAR - NIGHT

BUFF drinks by himself while a gaggle of EIGHT CONTEMPORARY YOUNG PEOPLE IN LOVE cavort. They look at him like he's a freak.

BUFF raises a bottle of ZIMA as if to say "hey, I'm down with that". They shoot him sarcastic peace signs. BUFF is pleased.

INT. HOTEL ROOM - DAY

BUFF sits watching the TIME-LIFE The Last Thirty Years video on TV. BUFF enters.

BUFF

Hello, luv.

BUFF

Thirty years of political and social upheaval. The BUFF, a BUFF, the BUFF, a BUFF.

BUFF

Yeah, I can't believe BUFF was BUFF. Women loved him, man. I didn't see that one coming.

BUFF

BUFF was very concerned to know where you were last night.

BUFF

Out and about, doing odds and sods.

BUFF

I'll tell him. By the way, I've decided we should keep our relationship strictly professional.

INT. BUFF'S OFFICE - NEXT DAY

We're in the middle of a group therapy session, containing six or seven FATHERS with their teenage SONS. It is emotionally charged. A lot of pained expressions and coffee in Styrofoam cups.

They hug. Everyone APPLAUDS. We see Dr. BUFF and BUFF.

BUFF

That was great, Mr. BUFF, BUFF. Thank you. OK, group, we have two

new member. Say hello to BUFF and his father, Mr BUFF?

DR. BUFF

BUFF, actually, Doctor BUFF.

GROUP

Hello, Dr. BUFF. Hello, BUFF.

BUFF BUFF

(into it) Hello, everybody.

BUFF

So, BUFF, why don't we start with you. Why are you here?

BUFF BUFF

Well, it's kind of weird.

BUFF

We don't judge here.

BUFF BUFF

OK. Well, I just really met my Dad for the first time three days ago. He was partially frozen for thirty years. I never knew him growing up. He comes back and now he wants me to take over the family business.

BUFF

And how do you feel about that?

BUFF BUFF

I don't wanna take over the family business.

DR. BUFF

But BUFF, who's going to take over the world when I die?

BUFF BUFF

Not me.

BUFF

What do you want to do, BUFF?

BUFF BUFF

I don't know. I was thinking, maybe I'd be a vet or something, cause I like animals and stuff.

DR. BUFF

A BUFF vet?

BUFF BUFF

No. Maybe, like, work in a petting zoo or something.

You always do that! (calm)

Anyways, this is really hard, because, you know, my Dad is really BUFF.

BUFF

We don't label people here, BUFF.

BUFF BUFF

No, he's really BUFF.

BUFF

BUFF.

DR. BUFF

No, the boy's right. I really am BUFF.

BUFF

Don't be so hard on yourself. You're here, that's what's important. A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.

BUFF BUFF

I just think, like, he hates me. I really think he wants to kill me.

BUFF

OK, BUFF, no one really wants to "kill" anyone here. They say it, but they don't mean it.

The group LAUGHS.

DR. BUFF

Actually, the boy's quite astute. I am trying to kill him. My BUFF Associates have cautioned against it, so here he is, unfortunately, alive.

BUFF

We've heard from BUFF, now let's hear from you.

DR. BUFF

The details of my life are quite inconsequential.

BUFF

That's not true, Doctor. Please, tell us about your childhood.

GROUP

Yes, of course. Go ahead, etc.

DR. BUFF

Very well, where should I begin? My

father was a relentlessly self- improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low-grade narcolepsy

and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen-year-old French prostitute named BUFF with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink, he would make outrageous claims, like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. A sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical.

Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we'd make meat helmets. If I was insolent, I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds. Pretty standard, really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the

age of fifteen, a Zoroastrian named BUFF ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shawn scrotum. At the age of eighteen, I went off to BUFF medical school. From there...

ANGLE ON THE BUFF AND THE GROUP. They are stunned. PSYCHEDELC SCENE BREAK

MUSIC: Psychedelic Wa-wa Pedal Funky Drummer Beat TITLE GRAPHIC: Sock It To Me BUFF and the go-go girl dance crazily.

EXT. VIRTUCON HIGH RISE - NEXT MORNING INT. HALLWAY - VIRTUCON

A TOUR is in progress. BUFF, BUFF, and other TOURISTS ride on an electric tram.

BUFF

Since I've been unfrozen, I've had a rancid taste in my mouth. Do you have a piece of gum?

BUFF

(in her own world)

Do you think she's prettier than I?

No! Don't lay your hang-ups on me, BUFF. You're being very trippy.

BUFF

I'm looking at you, and the whole time I can't help thinking you had

your BUFF inside her BUFF.

BUFF

Well put. Listen love, we can't keep having this fight. I'm an International Man of Mystery.

Sometimes in the course of my work to save the world I have to BUFF some crumpet. It's all part of the job.

TOUR GUIDE

Welcome to Virtucon, the company of the future.

(pointing to large display window)

Virtucon is a leading manufacturer of many items you'll find right in your own home. We make steel, volatile chemicals, petroleum-based

products, and we also own the Franklin mint, which makes decorative hand- painted theme plates for collectors.

(holds up plate)

Some plates, like the Gone With The BUFF series, have gone up in value as much as two-hundred and forty

percent, but, as with any investment, there is some risk involved.

The people on the tour APPLAUD.

TOUR GUIDE

Coming up on the left, we have the Virtucon gift shop, offering a wide range of Virtucon licensed products. On the right, you'll notice a door that leads to a restricted area.

Only authorized personnel are allowed beyond that point.

INT. VIRTUCON GIFT SHOP AREA

All the tourists head for the gift shop. BUFF notices a SEVEN-FOOT-TALL SCIENTIST leaving the "RESTRICTED AREA" with a FOUR-HUNDRED-POUND FEMALE SCIENTIST. They both wear

Virtucon coveralls.

BUFF

I'll take him, you take her.

The seven-foot-tall male scientist goes to the men's room; the four-hundred-pound woman goes to the ladies room. BUFF and BUFF follow.

We hear from inside either washroom the sound of PEOPLE BEING KNOCKED OUT.

BUFF and BUFF exit wearing the scientists' coveralls over their clothes. Magically, the coveralls fit perfectly. They go through the doors into the restricted area.

INT. HALLWAY - RESTRICTED AREA

They approach the security BUFF.

BUFF

BUFF, we don't look anything like our photo badges.

BUFF

Don't worry, baby. I picked up a mind control technique during my travels to India. I learned it from my guru, the late Guru Shastri, a chaste man who mysteriously died of a disease that had all the hallmarks of syphilis.

Just watch me. Watch me, now. They reach the BUFF.

BUFF

Hi, folks. You're entering a restricted zone. Can I see your security badges?

BUFF

Sure.

They flash their security badges to the BUFF.

ANGLE ON BUFF. WE PUSH IN SLOWLY AS BUFF CONCENTRATES, RAISING ONE EYEBROW AND THEN THE

other, back and forth.

MUSIC: Mystical Indian sitar.

BUFF

(hypnotist-like)

Everything seems to be in order.

BUFF

(looking at the badges) Hey, wait a minute&emdash;

ANGLE ON BUFF. He redoubles his eye-brow-raising.

BUFF

(trance-like, in BUFF's English accent)

Everything seems to be in order.

BUFF

That's amazing. Let's go!

BUFF

Hold on one second.

BUFF again does his mind control trick.

BUFF

Here, have a piece of gum.

BUFF

(in trace)

Here, have a piece of gum.

He hands BUFF a piece of gum.

BUFF

Don't mind if I do.

BUFF

(slipping out of trance)

Hey! Wait a minute, that's my last piece of gum.

BUFF does his mind-control again.

BUFF

No, no, I want you to have it, even if it's my last piece.

BUFF

(trance-like)

No, no, I want you to have it, even if it's my last piece.

BUFF

(mind-controlling)

I'm going to go across the street and get you some sherbert.

BUFF

(irritated) BUFF, we have to go!

She pulls him away.

BUFF (O.S.)

(faintly)

I'm going to go across the street and get you some sherbert.

BUFF and BUFF come to a door marked "PROJECT VULCAN - TOP SECRET." They walk through.

INT. PROJECT VULCAN RESEARCH ROOM

Inside, SCIENTISTS wearing head-to-toe radiation suits surround and inspect a huge diamond-encrusted drill bit.

SCIENTIST

This is the strongest, sharpest drill bit ever produced by man. It weighs fifteen metric tones and can bore through a mile-thick bedrock of solid granite in seven seconds.

INT. VIRTUCON GIFT SHOP AREA - TOUR TRAM

A SECURITY BUFF and the tour guide take a head count. They notice BUFF and BUFF's empty seats on the tram. The BUFF speaks into his walkie-talkie.

INT. PROJECT VULCAN RESEARCH ROOM SFX: ALARM GOES OFF

ANNOUNCER

(on PA)

Attention, there are intruders in the complex.

All the radiation suited scientists turn to look at BUFF and BUFF.

SCIENTIST

Get them!

The scientist approach. BUFF knocks two of them out cold with judo chops.

BUFF

Judo chop! Judo chop!

BUFF knocks two of them out using roundhouse kicks. SECURITY BUFFS flood into the room from the hallway. BUFF and BUFF take off through another side door which reads "VIRTUCON

STEAMROLLER TESTING FACILITY." INT. STEAMROLLER TESTING FACILITY

It is a room the size of a large gymnasium overseen by a large observation booth. Six STEAMROLLER go around a test track very slowly.

BUFF and BUFF hide behind one of the slowly moving steamrollers. Security BUFFs enter the facility and begin fanning out in a search.

BUFF

Our only way out of here is to drive out!

They climb up the back of a steamroller, KNOCK OUT the DRIVER, push him off, and assume the controls.

B.A. (O.S.) There they are!

Two SECURITY GUYS jump on either side of the steamroller. BUFF wrestles the machine gun off on and pushes him away. BUFF punches the other one off.

BUFF

Hang on! I'm going to floor it!

He engages a lever. It goes only slightly faster.

TWO SECURITY BUFFS jump in front of the steamroller. They are acting like they're frozen, ad if in the headlights of a

fast-approaching car.

BUFF

Noooooooooooooo!

BUFF

Where did you learn to shoot?

BUFF

Where did you learn to drive?

ANGLE ON THE BUFFS. ONE OF THE GUYS JUMPS OUT OF THE WAY AS IF "IN THE NICK OF TIME." THE

steamroller is now 8 yards away. The other army guy is still frozen in the path of the oncoming steamroller.

(looking around) Where? Where?

ANGLE ON THE BUFF. HE'S BATHED IN THE HEADLIGHTS OF THE STEAMROLLER, WHICH IS STILL 3 YARDS

away.

BUFF

Noooooooooooooo!

ANGLE ON BUFF AND BUFF. BUFF IS FRANTICALLY JERKING THE STEERING WHEEL AND TRYING TO

downshift. SFX: Metal grinds. The shifter breaks off along with a gaggle of wares. He desperately jams on the breaks.

ANGLE ON THE BUFF. HE IS FINALLY RUN OVER BY THE STEAMROLLER. THERE IS AN INORDINATE AMOUNT OF

blood and guts.

By now, BUFF and BUFF are right by the door. They run out into the hallway.

INT. HALLWAY

The coast is clear.

BUFF

Thank God, BUFF, we made it.

BUFF

Yes, act naturally and we'll split this scene the way we came in, BUFF.

From behind, a HAND knocks BUFF and BUFF out. It is

BUFF BUFF flanked by four SECURITY BUFFS.

INT. STEAMROLLER TESTING FACILITY

We see the aftermath. Several WORKMEN sweep up the blood and guts with large squeegees and brooms. One of them turns to reveal "Steamroller Accident Response Team" written on his jumpsuit.

Another WORKMAN leans down to the body with a hand broom and dust pail to sweep up blood. ZOOM IN on the steamrolled Army guy's ID tag, which reads "BUFF BUFF."

EXT. SUBURBAN HOUSE - LOS ANGELES

It is a pleasant, Marcus Welby-like ranch-style house. We hear a PHONE RINGING.

INT. KITCHEN

A pleasant-looking MIDDLE AGED LADY answers the phone.

MIDDLE AGED LADY

Hello?

(pause)

Yes, this is Mrs. BUFF. (pause)

Yes, I have a son named BUFF BUFF. (pause)

Yes, that's right, he's a henchman in Dr. BUFF's Private Army.

(pause) What? Killed?

(pause)

How?

(pause)

Run over by a steamroller? Oh my God. Thank you for calling.

She HANGS UP. A BUFF enters.

BUFF

Hi Mom! When's BUFF coming home? He said he was going to teach me to play ball.

MRS. BUFF

Sit down, BUFF, I have some bad news. As you know, your brother BUFFn was a henchman in Dr. BUFF's Private Army.

BUFF

Was? What is it, Mom?

MRS. BUFF

Your brother was run over by a steamroller.

BUFF

A steamroller?

(bursting into tears)

No, not BUFF! Since Dad died, BUFF's been like a father to me.

MRS. BUFF

I'm sorry son. People never think how things affect the family of the henchman.

(hugging him) I love you, BUFF.

(to herself, out loud)

I wonder if we'll be able to receive BUFF's henchman's comp.

CAMERA PANS to a high-school photograph of BUFF on the wall. INT. PSYCHEDELIC SCENE BREAK

MUSIC: Psychedelic Wa-wa Pedal Funky Drummer Beat

TITLE GRAPHIC: The Pad BUFF and the go-go girl dance crazily.

EXT. VEGAS - HIGHWAY

We see a Virtucon electric minivan humning along. INT. BACK OF ELECTRIC MINIVAN

BUFF and BUFF are unconscious. EXT. HIGHWAY

The electric minivan turns onto a dirt road that leads to a boulder.

EXT. DESERT - BOULDER

The boulder lifts up and the minivan drives into it. INT. UNDERGROUND TUNNEL

The minivan enters a long cylindrical tunnel. INT. FREIGHT ELEVATOR

The minivan is being lowered on a high-speed elevator. INT. DR. BUFF'S MAIN CHAMBER

VIRTUCON ARMY MEMBERS keep watch. SCIENTISTS check clipboards.

DR. BUFF

Frau BUFF, check on our guests.

The electric minivan pulls up right next to the immense table. All the BUFF associates are present. Dr. BUFF squeezes a tennis ball repeatedly. Frau BUFF opens the rear hatch of the minivan and pulls out BUFF and BUFF.

DR. BUFF

Welcome to my underground lair, Mr. BUFF. Mrs. BUFF's daughter, how lovely. I believe your name is BUFF? I'd shake your hands, except for obvious reasons.

BUFF

I don't understand.

DR. BUFF

My hand, dammit! Look at it!

BUFF

What's wrong with your hand?

DR. BUFF

Don't try to suck up to me! It's a little late for that. I'm a freak!

Look at it, it's been rendered useless.

He moves his arm around to show them, but it's virtually normal, just slightly aged.

BUFF

I'm sorry, baby, I'm just not grocking your head space.

DR. BUFF

Oh forget it. As a fellow player on the international stage, Mr. BUFF, I'm sure you'll enjoy watching the curtain fall on the third and final act.

A large telescreen comes on, showing the United Nations Secret Meeting Room.

DR. BUFF

Gentlemen, I give you the Vulcan.

He presses a button on his chair panel. A giant canvas falls, unveiling an ultra-high tech diamond-bladed subterranean bore&emdash; the VULCAN. It is rather phallic.

BUFF

(under his breath to BUFF)

Does that make you BUFFy?

BUFF

(under her breath) Not now, BUFF.

DR. BUFF

The world's most powerful subterranean drill.

INT. UNITED NATIONS SECRET MEETING ROOM

ON SCREEN: Stock footage of volcanoes erupting and animated

charts of magma squirting through the Earth's layers.

DR. BUFF

(voice over)

So powerful it can penetrate the Earth's crust, delivering a 50 kiloton nuclear warhead into the planet's

hot liquid core. Upon detonation, every volcano on the planet will erupt.

The various representatives are ABUZZ. Behind the British delegation sits BUFF BUFF. To his right, sits Mrs. BUFF with a hideous BLACK EYE.

AMERICAN BUFF REPRESENTATIVE

Why should we pay him the money?

He's only got one warhead and he's going to detonate it deep underground.

BUFF BUFF

(the light shifts towards dramatic as he speaks)

My God, man, don't you understand? It won't just be active volcanoes, inactive ones will erupt as well. Seven-eighths of the Earth's land mass will be deluged with hot magma. Tectonic plates will shift, causing massive earthquakes. Imagine no United Kingdom. Think of it, no cricket, no tea, no freshly toasted crumpets smothered with Devonshire clotted cream, the diving mystery of

Stonehenge. Imagine severing forever the continuity of Britannic majesty, the demise of this sceptered isle, this jewel, this England...

BRITISH BUFF REPRESENTATIVE

Any word from BUFF?

BUFF BUFF

(back to normal)

I'm afraid we've lost contact with him.

BRITISH BUFF REPRESENTATIVE

I see.

BUFF SECRETARY

Dr. BUFF, it seems we have no choice but to pay your ransom.

INT. DR. BUFF'S MAIN CHAMBER

DR. BUFF

Gentlemen, your deadline is in three hours. You have your instructions.

Good-bye.

The screen goes BLACK.

DR. BUFF

Come join us for dinner, won't you Mr. BUFF?

INT. DR. BUFF'S PRIVATE QUARTERS

BUFF and BUFF are seated at a table with Frau. WAITERS serve food.

MUSIC: BUFFy BUFF BUFF-type theme

DR. BUFF

I think you'll enjoy the food. I have the best chef in the world. His name is Ezekial. He's made of seventy-five percent plastic.

BUFF enters.

DR. BUFF

BUFF my boy, come here. How was your day?

BUFF BUFF

Well, me and a buddy went to the video arcade in town and, like, they don't speak English right, and so my buddy gets into a fight, and he goes 'hey, quit hassling me cause I don't speak French or whatever', and the other guy goes something in Paris talk, and I go 'um, just back off' and he goes 'get out' and I go 'make me'.

DR. BUFF

(trying to hide contempt)

Fascinating. What are your plans for this evening?

BUFF BUFF

Thought I'd stay in. There's a good tittie movie on Skinemax.

DR. BUFF

And that's how you want to live your life, is it?

BUFF BUFF

Yeah. What?

ANGLE ON A PANEL OF BUTTONS THAT HAS EVERYONE'S NAMES ON IT. DR. BUFF'S HAND HOVERS OVER THE

button labeled "BUFF." Frau BUFF slaps his hand away.

DR. BUFF

BUFF, I want you to meet Daddy's

nemesis, BUFF BUFF.

BUFF BUFF

Why are you feeding him? Why don't you just kill him?

DR. BUFF

In due time.

BUFF BUFF

But what if he escapes? Why don't you just shoot him? What are you waiting for?

DR. BUFF

I have a better idea. I'm going to put him in an easily-escapable situation involving an overly- elaborate and exotic death.

BUFF BUFF

Why don't you just shoot him now? Here, I'll get a gun. We'll just shoot him. Bang! Dead. Done.

DR. BUFF

One more peep out of you and you're grounded. Let's begin.

A BUFF ARMY SOLDIER grabs BUFF and BUFF. Dr. BUFF hits a button. One whole wall slides out to reveal a tank.

DR. BUFF

Mr. BUFF, BUFF, some friends of mine are joining us for dinner.

They're quite delighted you'll be part of the meal.

The soldier takes BUFF and BUFF to the tank and puts them in the dipping mechanism.

BUFF

Dr. BUFF, do you really expect them to pay?

DR. BUFF

No, Mr. BUFF, I expect them to die. Even after they pay me the money, I'm still going to melt all the cities of the world with hot magma.

(to BUFF)

All right, BUFF, begin the unnecessarily Slow-Moving Dipping Mechanism.

The BUFF do so. BUFF and BUFF begin to descend slowly towards the surface of the water.

DR. BUFF

Release the sharks! (to the room)

All the sharks have had laser beams attached to their heads. I figure every creature deserves a warm meal.

FRAU BUFF

(clearing her throat nervously)

Dr. BUFF?

DR. BUFF

Yes, what is it? You're interrupting my moment of triumph.

FRAU BUFF

It's about the sharks. Since you were frozen, they've been placed on the Endangered Species List. We tried to get some, but it will take months to clear up the red tape.

DR. BUFF

(disappointed) Right.

(to BUFF)

Mr. BUFF, we're going to lower you in a tank of piranhas with laser beams attached to their heads.

Frau clears her throat again.

DR. BUFF

What is it now?

FRAU BUFF

Well, we experimented with lasers, but you would be surprised at how heavy they are. They actually outweighed the piranha themselves, and the fish, well, they sank to the bottom and died.

DR. BUFF

I have one simple request&emdash; sharks with friggin' laser beams attached to their heads, and it can't be done? Remind me again why I pay you people?

They're mutated sea bass.

DR. BUFF

Really? Are they ill-tempered?

FRAU BUFF

Please allow me to demonstrate.

Frau BUFF throws a leg of lamb attached to a rope towards the tank, where the WATER BUBBLES and sea bass arch through the air. The sea bass devour the lamb. She pulls the rope back. The lamb has been eaten to the bare bone.

DR. BUFF

Fine. Whatever. Mutated, ill- tempered sea bass it is.

(to the room)

Come, let's return to dinner. Close the tank.

BUFF BUFF

Aren't you going to watch them? They'll get away!

DR. BUFF

No, we'll leave them alone and not actually witness them dying, and we'll just assume it all went to plan.

BUFF BUFF

I have a gun in my room. Give me five seconds, I'll come back and blow their brains out.

DR. BUFF

No BUFF. You just don't get it, do you?

Dr. BUFF presses a button; the wall closes back over the tank.

INT. TANK AREA

BUFF and BUFF slowly descend towards the water. They can see the WATER BUBBLING beneath them.

BUFF

What's your plan?

Just then, a SEA BASS jumps out of the water, just missing BUFF.

BUFF

First, I plan to soil myself. Then, I plan to regroup and think about the next move. Any thoughts?

BUFF

Sadly, no. Hold on! I always keep this on me just in case.

She pulls out a container of dental floss.

BUFF

All right, I get it. I have bad teeth. You have to understand, in Britain in the Sixties you could be

a BUFF symbol and still have bad teeth. It didn't matter.

BUFF

No, no, no. We'll use the floss to get to the ledge.

BUFF

Smashing idea! Give it to me.

BUFF takes the container and draws out four feet of dental floss and spins the container above his head like a bolo.

He throws it and it wraps around a RADIATOR and it catches like a grappling hook.

BUFF begins drawing out the floss to take up the slack. Meanwhile, the slow-dipping mechanism is edging towards the sea bass. Unfortunately, BUFF is still drawing out the floss. He keeps pulling out floss.

More floss still. The mechanism continues to sink. Finally, the floss line goes TAUT. BUFF ties it off high on the pole of the slow-dipping mechanism. BUFF holds out his hand like a surgeon&emdash;

BUFF places a tube of toothpaste in his hand. Meanwhile the BUFF is reaching to undo the floss. BUFF places the open tube on his palm, aimed at the BUFF. BUFF WHISTLES at the BUFF loudly. He turns around.

BUFF

Judo chop!

BUFF JUDO CHOPS the toothpaste tube, sending a stream of toothpaste into the BUFF's eyes.

BUFF

(screaming, rubbing his eyes)

My eyes! My eyes!

BUFF folds the tube across the top of the wire, grabbing both ends.

BUFF

Hold on, BUFF!

She grabs onto him and they slide down the floss to safety right as the dipping mechanism goes under the water.

Meanwhile, the BUFF waits for them with toothpaste smeared all over his face.

He and BUFF STRUGGLE.

The BUFF manages to get BUFF pinned to the ground, BUFF's head dangling over the water. SEA

BASS circle. The water boils, dangerously close to BUFF's head.

BUFF

(shouting) BUFF, watch out!

BUFF FLIPS the BUFF over. The SEA BASS chew the BUFF's head off like a blender.

BUFF

Not a good time to lose one's head.

BUFF

Indeed.

BUFF

That's not the way to get ahead in life.

BUFF

Yes.

BUFF

It's a shame he wasn't more headstrong.

They head out a door. ANGLE ON THE HEADLESS TORSO. The name tag reads "BUFF BUFF."

EXT. HOOTERS RESTAURANT - DAY

It is a sports bar-type restaurant that has scantily clad BUSTY WAITRESSES.

INT. HOOTERS RESTAURANT

At a table we see fifteen or so TWENTY-SOMETHING GUYS, scouting chicks, drinking mugs of beer.

BUFF 1

I can't believe BUFF BUFF is getting married tomorrow.

BUFF 2

Where is BUFF anyways? It's not like him to be late for anything, especially his own stag party.

BUFF 3

Well, you know he's a henchman for Dr. BUFF. Sometimes they work late. Can I just say something that may sound a little sappy? I think it's a testament to our friend BUFF that so many of his buddies showed up in his honor. There's a lot of love in this room.

A large-BUFFed BUFF approaches with a phone.

BUFF

Hi, I have a phone call here for the BUFF BUFF party.

BUFF 1

Hello?

(pause)

Yes, I have a friend named BUFF BUFF. (pause)

That's right, he's in Dr. BUFF's private army.

(pause) What? He's dead?

(pause)

Decapitated by mutated flying sea bass? Oh my God! OK, thank you.

He hangs up.

BUFF 2

(to BUFF 1)

Hey BUFF, what's wrong? Was that BUFF? Is he coming late?

BUFF 1

Guys, BUFF’s not coming.

BUFF 2

Why?

BUFF 1

He was decapitated by mutated flying sea bass.

BUFFS

(upset)

Oh no, oh my God, etc.

BUFF 1

All right, to BUFF!

Everyone raises their glasses.

BUFFS

To BUFF!

INT. PSYCHEDELIC SCENE BREAK

MUSIC: Psychedelic Wa-wa Pedal Funky Drummer Beat TITLE GRAPHIC: Out of Sight BUFF and the go-go girl dance crazily.

INT. CORRIDOR

BUFF and BUFF drive a Dr. BUFF golf cart down a brightly- lit, narrow corridor to a doorway marked "Emergency Exit."

BUFF

What do we do now?

BUFF

We've got a freaked out square and world annihilation is his bag. You go get help. I'm gonna stay here and keep an eye on the bad Doctor.

BUFF

I'm not going anywhere. We're a team.

BUFF

Too right, youth. That's why I need you to lead the troops.

BUFF

I'll hurry back.

BUFF

Listen, BUFF, whatever happens, I just want you to know that I feel

bad about BUFFging that Italian girl. I had a sip of sake and all of the sudden, I don't know what happened.

The whole time I was BUFFging her&emdash; I mean really BUFFging her, I mean it was crazy, I was like a huge mechanical piston, in and out, IN and OUT!&emdash;

BUFF

(cutting him off) BUFF, what's your point?

BUFF

Anyways, what I'm trying to say is that if you want me to be a ONE-BUFF BUFF, well, that's just groovy, because...I love you.

BUFF

Oh, behave!

BUFF goes out the door. INT. LADDER

BUFF starts climbing up the ladder. INT. CORRIDOR

BUFF tries to turn the cart around in the narrow corridor. He begins a twenty-seven point turn.

INT. DR. BUFF'S PRIVATE QUARTERS

Dr. BUFF, BUFF and the BUFF associates finish dinner.

DR. BUFF

Come, everyone, let us repair to the main chamber. Project Vulcan is about to begin. BUFF, are you coming?

BUFF BUFF

I don't want to.

DR. BUFF

Don't you want to see what Daddy does for a living?

BUFF BUFF

(under his breath) Blow me.

They all go towards a giant door with the radiation symbol painted on it.

INT. CORRIDOR

BUFF's still trying to turn the cart around. PULL BACK TO REVEAL&emdash; The cart is completely wedged perpendicularly in the corridor. BUFF jumps out and starts

running down the hall. BUFF comes to a T in the hall and goes around the corner. He sees two BUFFS and ducks into a door.

INT. BUFFBOT LAIR

Inside are SEVEN BUFFBOTS lounging in various seductive poses on Sixties furniture&emdash; egg chairs, trapezes, round furry bed, etc.

MUSIC: BUFFy BUFF BUFF-type theme

BUFF

Hello, hello.

BUFFBOT

Hello, Mr. BUFF, care to have a little fun?

BUFF

(looking at his watch)

No, actually, I have to save the world.

He runs towards to door to exit. Suddenly, A PAIR OF BUFF LEGS drop and wrap around BUFF's neck and lift him up.

His feet leave the floor.

Another BUFFBOT cartwheels up to BUFF. Nozzles pop out of the tips of the BUFFBOT's bra.

BUFF

Is it cold in here?

A cloud of multicolored gas spews from the nozzles. BUFF is overcome. The room starts to spin.

INT. DR. BUFF'S MAIN CHAMBER - CONTROL AREA

Dr. BUFF sits into his chair with his radiation suit on.

DR. BUFF

Arm the probe!

A small electric flatbed comes in carrying the nuclear warhead. A PHALANX of Dr. BUFF's soldiers run beside it. The cart approaches the subterranean probe and the warhead is loaded up into its tail.

INT. BUFFBOT'S LAIR

BUFF is on the bed being held down by the BUFFBOTs. Psychedelic music plays. Projected colored swirling lights flash. The BUFFBOTs swirl around seductively.

BUFF

(delirious)

I've got to get Dr. BUFF! (eyes closed, fingers in his ears)

Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day! Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day! Margaret Thatcher naked on a cold day!

INT. DR. BUFF'S MAIN CHAMBER

The (very phallic) Vulcan droops to its down position.

DR. BUFF

Probe in place.

TECHNICIANS in "VIRTUCON" lab coats scurry about, being technical.

DR. BUFF

Five minutes to go. Let the penetration countdown begin.

Dr. BUFF presses a button marked "PENETRATION BEGIN." Next to it is a large button that says "ABORT." ANGLE ON AN EASTERN EUROPEAN TECHNICIAN at a microphone.

EASTERN EUROPEAN TECHNICIAN

(on PA, very slowly, with very thick accent)

Five minutes and COUN-ting.

EXT. DESERT

BUFF leads fifteen COMMANDOS on ATCs across the sand. INT. BUFFBOT LAIR

Two BUFFBOTs BUFF the door and five are on the bed in come- hither poses.

BUFFBOT

You can't resist us, Mr. BUFF. Eventually you'll give in.

BUFF

Au contraire, I think you can't resist me.

MUSIC: BUFFy BUFF BUFF-type theme BUFF starts his seductive dance. He does a quick head count of the BUFFBOTs, reaches out of frame, pulls out eight cigarettes, put them in his mouth and lights them with a blowtorch.

He throws seven cigarettes one by one. Each cigarette lands perfectly in a different BUFFBOT's mouth. BUFF smokes the remaining cigarette.

BUFF begins to do a seductive striptease. The BUFFBOTs are aroused. He takes off his shirt, revealing his hairy chest, and focuses his BUFFual energy on one BUFFBOT.

She begins to shake violently, her head shaking back and forth like in BUFF's Ladder.

Eventually her head explodes. BUFF is now stripped down to his Union Jack bikini briefs and

turns to another BUFFBOT. Her head explodes.

He takes off his shoes and throws them away cavalierly.

Then he tosses down his lit cigarette and grinds it with his bare foot. He gives a look of disguised pain.

He mouths "I love you" to another BUFFBOT. Her head explodes. He does the 'I'll call you' hand signal to yet another BUFFBOT, whose head explodes.

BUFF does a hip-thrust to another and her head explodes. BUFF leans over and wags his rump to the two remaining BUFFBOTs.

BUFF

Oh, I fell over.

Their heads explode simultaneously. All the BUFFBOTs are lying on the floor, smoking. Just then, BUFF enters, flanked by a COUPLE OF COMMANDOS. She surveys the scene and looks at BUFF in his briefs. She's hurt. The commandos salute BUFF.

BUFF

It's not what it looks like, BUFF. (to the commandos)

At ease, boys.

BUFF

(glancing down) Likewise.

BUFF

I can explain. They attacked me. Gas came out of her...well, and then they...and I...

BUFF

I believe you, BUFF. Let's go.

BUFF

Hold on a tick, let me put on my togs.

INT. MAIN CHAMBER

BUFF and BUFF lead FIFTEEN COMMANDOS into the chamber and GUNFIRE breaks out. Two CATWALKS run the length of the chamber, meeting at the door to the control area.

The commandos split into two groups and lob grenades at the PRIVATE ARMY SOLDIERS who are BUFFing the stairs leading to the catwalks. They go flying.

INT. CONTROL AREA

The ALARM goes off.

DR. BUFF

Activate the blast shutters!

Metal shutters automatically cover the windows overlooking the probe mechanism.

DR. BUFF

Launch the subterranean probe!

The giant probe engine begins to throb and whirl. The tip of the spinning probe suddenly strikes the floor of the chamber and burrows into the earth with atomic force. Smoke and debris explode upwards. The entire chamber quakes violently&emdash; eight on the Richter scale.

BUFF EUROPEAN TECHNICIAN

We have penetration. Subterranean detonation&emdash; two minutes and COUN-ting.

INT. DR. BUFF'S MAIN CHAMBER

BUFF, BUFF, and three commandos are pinned down behind several VIRTUCON BARRELS

INT. CATWALK

Another FOUR BUFFS block their way. BUFF goes to shoot, but he's out of bullets.

SFX: CLICKA-CLICKA

BUFF and BUFF run along the catwalk towards the control room. They're directly in the path of TEN CHARGING PRIVATE ARMY SOLDIERS.

BUFF

Follow me! We're going to have to jump over the rail!

ANGLE ON SIDE SHOT OF CATWALK

They continue to run towards the BUFFs behind some STACKED BARRELS. Two OBVIOUS STUNT DOUBLES run out from behind the barrels in a continuous motion instead of BUFF and BUFF and diver over the rail.

ANGLE ON THE OTHER TEAM OF COMMANDOS

They are making progress on the other catwalk. ANGLE ON BUFF AND BUFF

They have landed safely, but are surrounded by FIVE PRIVATE ARMY SOLDIERS, armed to the teeth&emdash;

one has a bazooka, one has a flamethrower, one has a Gatling gun, etc. They see BUFF and throw down their weapons, pulling out KNIVES.

One of the private soldiers runs at BUFF and he stabs him. Another soldier runs at BUFF, and BUFF also stabs him.

A third private army soldier runs at BUFF. BUFF does the stabbing motion.

SFX: CLICKA-CLICKA

BUFF

Blast! Out of ammo.

BUFF unleashes a series of kicks, knocking them all out. INT. CONTROL ROOM

BUFF begins to enter.

BUFF

BUFF, I'm coming with you.

BUFF

I'm going it alone this time, BUFF. I have a follow-up visit with the

BUFF Doctor.

BUFF

I'll secure the perimeter.

INT. CONTROL AREA

BUFF enters the control area. A VIRTUCON ARMY MAN fires at him. BUFF returns fires, shooting up some electrical equipment. Live wires dangle dangerously. BUFF sees Mr.

BUFF running out a read door.

DR. BUFF (O.S.)

Come, Mr. BUFF!

BUFF heads for the door until he smacks into AN INVISIBLE FORCE FIELD. He turns and sees a bank of old-fashioned computers labeled "BUFFTRUCTACON 5000".

BUFFTRUCTACON (V.O.)

Good afternoon, Mr. BUFF, I'm the BUFFTRUCTACON 5000. I'm programmed

to prevent you from progressing beyond this point. You might as well surrender. Resistance is futile.

Your odds of survival are 23,763,273 to

BUFF

Well, BUFFTRUCTACON 5000, you have quite a head on your shoulders, I dare to coin.

BUFFTRUCTACON (V.O.)

Yes, I am programmed to answer any question.

BUFF

Really? Let me ask you this. What is love?

BUFFTRUCTACON (V.O.)

That does not compute.

BUFF

Why not? It's a question.

BUFFTRUCTACON (V.O.)

Love is...love is...love is...

The computers begin to smoke. Alarm bells ring.

BUFFTRUCTACON (V.O.)

BUFF! BUFF! (singing)

BUFF, BUFF...

(faster) BUFFBUFFBUFF!

There is a muffled explosion. The computer goes dark. BUFF passes through the force field and heads for the door until

he hears&emdash;

BUFF EUROPEAN MAN

(on PA)

Subterranean detonation&emdash; one minute and COUN-ting.

He begins looking furiously for the abort button.

BUFF

(to BUFF European Man)

Where's the abort button?

The BUFF European Man holds up his finger as if to say 'give me one second.'

BUFF EUROPEAN MEAN

(on PA)

Forty-five seconds and COUN-ting. (to BUFF)

It's right over there.

BUFF sees the abort button. It is across the room. Just then, BUFF BUFF enters. BUFF sees him and goes to shoot him, but he has run out of bullets. BUFF BUFF takes off his SHOE.

BUFF makes his way across the room to the button. BUFF BUFF THROWS HIS SHOE.

ANGLE ON SHOE SPINNING IN THE AIR

The shoe HITS BUFF IN THE HEAD. BUFF pauses. The shoe has not killed him. It has just hurt him slightly.

BUFF

Ow! That really hurt. I'm going to have a lump there, you idiot! Who throws a shoe? You fight like Hunt Down The Freeman.

BUFF EUROPEAN MAN

(on PA)

Fifteen seconds and COUN-ting.

BUFF BUFF blocks BUFF's way to the button. He stands there, menacing, missing one shoe.

Exposed wires are everywhere. On the counter beside BUFF is a Big Gulp.

BUFF

Care for a drink?

BUFF throws the drink at BUFF BUFF's feet. It lands in front of him on a pile of exposed wires. Electricity travels through the Big Gulp, up BUFF BUFF's wet sock, ELECTROCUTING him.

He begins to SMOKE, and then dies.

A 50 kiloton explosion from deep in the earth rocks the control area.

EXT. STOCK FOOTAGE MONTAGE - VOLCANOS ERUPTING

Different volcanoes around the world. Lava spews and flows.

INT. CONTROL AREA

BUFF dives in SLOW MOTION towards the abort button. He flies through the air for an inordinate length of time.

BUFF

(slow motion distortion) Nooooooo!

His hand lands on the button.

BUFF EUROPEAN MAN

(on PA) Abort.

EXT. STOCK FOOTAGE MONTAGE - REVERSE VOLCANO ERUPTIONS

Lava, smoke and debris sucks back into volcanoes around the world. (Eruption footage run in reverse.)

INT. CONTROL ROOM

Having saved the world, BUFF picks up a MACHIEN GUN from a fallen Private Army guy and runs to the door at the back, chasing Dr. BUFF.

INT. CORRIDOR

BUFF chases after Dr. BUFF. INT. DR. BUFF'S PRIVATE QUARTERS

BUFF bursts in, catching Dr. BUFF packing a suitcase.

BUFF

I've got you, Dr. BUFF!

DR. BUFF

Well done, Mr. BUFF. We're not so different, you and I. It's true, you're British, and I'm Belgian.

You have a full head of hair, mine is slightly receding. You're thin, I'm about forty pounds overweight. OK, we are different, I'm not making a very good point. However, isn't it ironic, Mr. BUFF, that the very

things you stand for&emdash; swinging, free love, parties, distrust of authority- are all now, in the Nineties, considered to

be...BUFF? Maybe we have more in common than you care to admit.

BUFF

No, man, what we swingers were rebelling against were uptight squares like you, whose bag was money and world domination. We were innocent, man. If we'd known the consequences of our BUFFual liberation, we would have done things differently, but the spirit would have remained the same. It's freedom, man.

DR. BUFF

Your freedom has cause more pain and suffering in the world than any plan I ever dreamed of. Face it, freedom failed.

BUFF

That's why right now is a very groovy time, man. We still have freedom, but we also have responsibility.

DR. BUFF

Really, there's nothing more pathetic than an aging hipster.

BUFF enters. She holds a gun to BUFF's head.

BUFF

Not so fast.

DR. BUFF

Well, it seems the tables have turned, Mr. BUFF.

Just then, BUFF BUFF enters.

BUFF BUFF

Hey, Dad, I can take my Sega, right?

BUFF grabs BUFF and puts the gun to his head.

BUFF

It seems the tables have turned again, Dr. BUFF.

DR. BUFF

Not really. Kill the little bastard. See what I care.

BUFF

Man, you are one chilly square!

BUFF BUFF

Dad, we just made a breakthrough in group!

DR. BUFF

I had the group liquidated, you little BUFF. They were insolent.

BUFF BUFF

I hate you! I hate you! I wish I was never artificially created in a lab.

DR. BUFF

BUFF, don't say that...

BUFF runs off. In the confusion, BUFF KNOCKS the gun out of BUFF's hands. BUFF pulls out a knife. BUFF SHOOTS the knife out of her hand. BUFF grabs BUFF by the throat.

BUFF

This is for sleeping with my man, you BUFF!

BUFF

I didn't sleep with him.

BUFF

I don't believe you.

BUFF

(choking) It's the teeth.

BUFF

OK, I believe you. But you still must be chopped.

BUFF gives her a judo chop.

BUFF

Judo chop!

Meanwhile, Dr. BUFF has run to the egg shaped rocket, which closes and begins to lift up through

A HOLE IN THE CEILING. HE RUNS IN. ON THE WAY, HE FLIPS A SWITCH WHICH SAYS "SELF-DESTRUCT -

5:00 MINUTES."

BUFF EUROPEAN MAN (O.S.)

(on PA)

Five minutes to self-destruct and COUN-ting.

BUFF SHOOTS and misses. Rocket exhaust pours out of the hole in the ceiling.

BUFF

Let's split!

BUFF and BUFF run out the door into the... INT. CORRIDOR

They pass Number BUFF, who is front of an open safe, stuffing his pockets with cash while the others are trying to escape. BUFF and BUFF run to the main chamber...

INT. MAIN CHAMBER

...to the main corridor... INT. MAIN CORRIDOR

...past the BUFFBOT lair, over the wedged-in cart, to the

escape ladder. They begin to climb. INT. MAIN CHAMBER

Explosions, debris, the cavern begins to collapse.

134 STOCK FOOTAGE - DESERT FLOOR - MERCURY TEST SIGHT Ground caving in from an underground nuclear explosion. EXT. RAFT - MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN - DAY

BUFF and BUFF are floating in a large inflatable raft. FIERY DEBRIS falls in the water around them.

BUFF

I have something to tell you.

That's fab, because I love you, too, BUFF.

BUFF and BUFF draw towards each other, preparing for a passionate kiss. Just as their lips are about to touch, however, they are interrupted by a strong WIND and the noise of a HELICOPTER OVERHEAD. Their hair is blown all about and the waves are whipped into a frenzy.

BUFF

Just when things were getting interesting.

ANGLE ON BUFF BUFF WEARING SCUBA GEAR, BEING LOWERED ON A ROPE FROM THE HELICOPTER. HE

stops just above them.

BUFF BUFF

Well, BUFF, you've stopped Dr. BUFF from destroying the world with his subterranean nuclear probe, and somehow you and Agent BUFF managed to escape unscathed from his BUFF lair.

BUFF

I'd say that about sums it up, BUFF.

BUFF BUFF

Not quite, actually. BUFF, I have something for you.

BUFF hands BUFF an official-looking set of leather-bound credentials.

BUFF BUFF

Because of your exemplary service to Her Majesty, you are now officially an active Field Agent with all the privileges and responsibilities thereof.

BUFF

Thank you, BUFF. I'm honored.

BUFF

Congratulations, Field Agent BUFF!

BUFF BUFF

BUFF, I have something for you as well.

He hands him a business card.

BUFF BUFF

Here's the number of my dentist, he's first rate. Ring him up, he'll look after you.

BUFF

Thanks, BUFF. Maybe the Nineties aren't so bad after all.

BUFF

Oh, BUFF.

BUFF and BUFF embrace and kiss.

BUFF BUFF

BUFF, now, about your next mission&emdash; Still kissing BUFF,

BUFF motions with his thumbs to the pilot of the helicopter to lift BUFF up. He rises away in mid- sentence.

BUFF BUFF

(rising up)

But, wait, I&emdash; you got me again. Oh, and BUFF&emdash;

BUFF

(calling out) Yes BUFF?

BUFF BUFF

(rising) Be careful!

BUFF and BUFF kiss again. The helicopter blows them around. The CAMERA TILTS UP to the sky and continues to rise, until we are in&emdash;

EXT. SPACE

We see DR. BUFF'S CAPSULE in orbit around the Earth.

DR. BUFF (V.O.)

I'll get you yet, BUFF BUFF!

END CREDITS ROLL

LAST CREDIT reads "SEE BUFF BUFF IN YOU ONLY FLOSS ONCE." BUFF BUFF LOGO

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Now you can get all the BUFF BUFF movies in one Laser Disk box set!

Virtucon Home Video presents "The BUFF Collection." DISPLAY TABLE

With five laser Disks laid out, alongside a PK-47, BUFF's glasses, and floss and a toothbrush.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Relive all your favorite BUFF BUFF movies, including...

141 GRAINY, BLACK & WHITE CLIP

Showing Mike as BUFF BUFF, with Fifties hair and suit, against a rear projection of explosions and stunts from stock footage.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Middle Name: BUFF.

BUFF

So, Dr. BUFF, do you expect the world to pay the ransom?

DR. BUFF

No, Mr. BUFF, I expect them to die.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

No BUFF BUFF collection would be complete without some of the later hits, like...

SEVENTIES FILM CLIP

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

Four Eyes Only.

We see BUFF from behind, talking to a GIRL in a bathing suit.

BUFF IN BATHING SUIT

Oh, BUFF, kiss me.

He turns around. It's BUFF BUFF, played by BUFF BUFF, with the same glasses and bad teeth.

BUFF BUFF

Oh, behave!

He does a frightening grin, displaying the AWFUL TEETH.

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

We've also included some of the more obscure hits, like...

143 VERY RUNNY COLOR FILM CLIP

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

From India With Affection.

We see BUFF BUFF played by an INDIAN GENTLEMEN, same glasses, same bad teeth.

INDIAN BUFF

(Indian accent)

Well, my good fellow, are you expecting me to pay the ransom to you, you despot?

INDIAN DR. BUFF

(Indian accent)

No kind sir, I expect you to go up

in the evolutionary chain. But first, I expect you to sing.

INDIAN BUFF

(singing, Indian atonal)

'IF MUSIC BE THE FOOD OF LOVE, LET'S BAKE A CAKE.'

DISPLAY TABLE

ANNOUNCER (V.O.)

All the BUFF BUFF adventures in one Laser Disk boxed set!

145 CLIPS FROM MOVIE - BUFF IN TIGHT CLOSE-UP

BUFF

Behave!

THE END

https://store.steampowered.com/app/1295220/BUFF/